My Journal

March

03/05/16

Not in Control

Depression... Slowly it took over, the sadness, exhaustion, all the lonely nights spent crying over all I had lost. This went on for months and I needed to find a way to cope , shaving blades hurt to much but the blades from pencil sharpeners were easy to hide and less painful. It started off with one or two a night but then it got worse, it took over my body, my arms, legs, stomach, even shoulders and hands. I was a mess. I was losing all control, my mind screamed as tears rolled down my cheeks and blood down my wrists. I wanted it to end! Everything hurt, I was lost and alone, even when I was with my friends it didn't help. My nights got longer and darker, I saw all my fears walking around and laughing at me... The worst was the little girl in the corner, the last of my innocence clutching tightly to a little stuffed bear, she would cry silently every night. In a few weeks she was gone, the next time I saw her the bear was gone, the night gown torn and covered in blood, her face... The bottom of her mouth was missing, the blood still wet and dripping onto the floor, her eyes were gone as well, just black empty holes. I haven't slept in weeks now, whenever I try to the girl is always giving me this blank look of disappointment and sadness, I felt as if I had failed her in a way, like there was some way that I could have saved her... It was to late, my mind has taken over and there is no happiness left... I wish I could have saved myself, but I was just to late.

03/08/16

Lost Love

I'm sorry, I tried and tried but you never noticed me. I wanted to be there for you while you where having rough times but you kept pushing me away, I cried every night wishing, hoping that you'd forgive me for not being what you wanted... I honestly don't know if... If I love you anymore... I have been alone in the dark trying to find light and happiness, anything but it was all gone, I started to fall in love with the darkness... The comfort of my own sadness and loneliness holding me...I don't know if I'll ever be able to love again. My heart wants to but my mind screams in warning of what might happen, my demons claw at my mind reminding me of what I've done... I can't take it anymore, I'm sorry; I wish I was good enough to be loved and cared about but I have realized I am nothing more than a sad lonely girl. I don't deserve love the pretty girls do, the ones that wake up happy every morning and are proud to be who they are... The girls who are better than me who deserve more than me, I don't know why I even try anymore I am completely useless to this world.

03/11/16

Cutting Again

I was losing... I was clean for about 3 months then everything crumbled... I lost my friends and loved ones, depression had been inching its way back into my life and I never even noticed. All along those nights I would over think and cry, it was my depression making its way back home; there was no escape it had officially moved in. I could tell it wasn't leaving anytime soon, maybe if there was some way to burn down the house it had made and get the depression to leave. I haven't found anything yet, its been months since I hadn't cut and I just can't stop... It just won't stop, my mind screams and cries every night because it doesn't know how to stop thinking, all I want to do is sleep but I can't stop thinking; every thought, dream, nightmare, everything would not get out of my head... Im losing sleep, 2 weeks turned into a month and only an hour of sleep a night... Am I going insane? Please I just want everything to stop I can't handle this, it hurts and ugh! I JUST WANT IT TO STOP!! I WANT TO STOP THINKING!!

03/13/16

Notice Me

Why won't you notice me? I'm right here, right in front of him and he won't even look at me... He's got his eyes on prettier girls and I'm just me, nothing special. I'm not pretty or skinny, I've got passing grades but that doesn't mean I'm smart... I am just nothing... All I want is for him to notice me, thats all; say hi maybe... smile, just let me know he sees me. No one sees me anymore, its like I'm invisible and nobody has noticed that I am gone, no one is looking or even thinking about me... I'm just gone. But I really want him to notice me, just one glance or smile... Anything!! PLEASE JUST SOMEONE NOTICE ME!! Why doesn't anyone see me, am I a ghost? What is happening to me? God I've got to stop thinking, I just don't want to be alone anymore. Someone please help me I can't do this alone I just need help please... Anyone... Someone... please...

03/28/16

I Miss You...

I'm sorry for everything... I really miss you, I know I'll never get you back but I really fucking miss you. Like it's kinda hard to explain, all I know is that it hurts so damn much. Everything... Just it's all my fault, everything I did made us grow farther and farther part, I didn't think you'd actually leave me. God I was so fucking stupid! I guess I just thought... I don't know, I really wish I didn't do this to us. Sometimes I just remember all the fun moments we had together and how I may never... I may never have those moments again, I'm sorry... All I wanted to say was I miss you and that's all, we don't talk anymore but I wished we did... But we don't. You have a girlfriend now too and you're in high school playing football and soccer, I'm proud of you. I don't want to hurt anymore but god do I ever miss you. I hope you're doing well... Goodbye.