My Journal

May

05/20/16

Who am I?

"We love you for who you are."

Who I am! You mean the act I put on everyday for school! The fake fucking smiles I put on when really I just want to burst out crying cause everything around me is slowly fading away and I can't stop it, the act that says "I'm ok." When really I'm just a huge fucking disappointment to my family and I just want to end it all! THAT'S ALL I AM NOW, I'M A MASK HIDING EVERYTHING IMPERFECTION AND EMOTION I HAVE!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE... What I was like, I don't know what happiness feels like anymore. I'm just numb. You can't love someone for who they are if they don't know who they are. I am sorry if any of this comes out harsh but it's true, if you fall in love with a fake person you don't really love them, you love the person they're pretending to be...

05/23/16

I'm Losing Everyone.

I keep pushing people away! I don't know how to stop myself, I just want them to be happy and I know they won't be with me, everyone deserves better than me so I push them away in hopes to save them from myself. People hate me for that and I can't judge them, I hate me just as much as they do; I hate how all I can do is be a burden and how I'm clingy when I am depressed, I never understand why people love me. I don't get it, I can't even love myself and it just seems to come so naturally to them; I don't see what they see, it's like they're looking at a completely different person. But then the thing I hate most about myself is I try to find love and I get judged for it, my friend asked why I always need a boyfriend. Maybe if you stopped fucking judging me and looked through my point of view, it's because I can't love myself so I get someone to help me, I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful and make me believe it. But seriously if I keep getting judged like this I'm just gonna shut myself down cause I don't want to have feelings while everyone stabs me in the back and judges me.

05/24/16

What have I done?

I screwed it up real bad with him and I don't think it's gonna be fixed... I'm pretty sure I just broke up with him because I'm scared I'm gonna hurt him and he deserves better... I HATE MYSELF!! I loved him to! Why the hell do I get so attached so easily? He was so adorable ugh god his cute laugh and voice cracks his smile was so perfect and his eyes, I could stare at them all day. He was perfect he cared about me too but I just had to fuck it up. It's not like he actually loved me though... Right? He was just playing with my heart like the rest then he'd leave, I did the right thing... Didn't I? He had other girls, it's just me nothing special, I didn't mean anything to him. I was just another waste of time like I always am... Right?

05/25/16

Stopped Talking

We just stopped talking... One day we were talking none stop and now it's the occasional call or text every few days. That's how you know you're losing someone, you get this sick feeling in your stomach and you know your friendship or relationship is gonna end soon. I hate it especially when you make such a huge effort to talk to that person and they just try to get out of the conversation, then you ask them why you don't talk anymore and they don't even have a reason so you're just left without any answers, for all you know they could have found someone better, someone more interesting than you. It hurts, everything just hurts. You wish you didn't have to rely on that person so much, but you just can't help it; you want answers. You wish you could call them and yell at them demanding an answer, you can't bring yourself to call them, so you just text them saying "hi". Now STOP right there! If that person is not willing to make the effort to talk to you it's not worth it, you have invested your time and energy into them and what did they give you in return...? NOTHING! They gave you absolutely nothing, so don't even bother to text them. If they wanna talk to you now they have to make the effort because you did everything you could. I'm sorry that this is harsh but sometimes it's just better to let go... Some people are just not meant to be in your life and it will hurt less to let go earlier than it will to hold on for a long time...

05/29/16

Those Days

Its one of those days... Everything is falling apart, all my progress and hard work crumbled effortlessly to the ground. All the plans I made never worked out and the stress of school and parents is pilling up on me and I don't know what to do... The things I write are getting shorter and I haven't drawn a single picture in months but people seem to think I'm fine, I can't blame the though, I always smile and lie through my teeth saying I'm ok and that I'll be fine; when really in that moment I want to cry or I'm thinking about cutting. I just don't understand why I keep holding on like I'm just the main person to get judged or picked on for being antisocial or I'm to loud, whatever I do I'm getting judged and I hate it... I've lost all care now, people can judge me and make fun of me but I hope they know that I'll still care for them. I gave up on art cause I was told I sucked and that it scared people, so now instead I make sure my friend keeps doing art, she says she sucks but her art is so beautiful, I'd rather quit everything I suck at than have someone amazing quit... I guess I'm just talentless, I got the shirt end of the stick, I'm not good enough. Well anyway its fine I guess, some people are just not good at life, me being one of them... I wish I was good at something and I wish someone believed in me. Whatever I'm not even a person anymore I'm just an unnoticed ghost of depression.