Depicting Serenity

Chapter I: Is it that simple?

Among all the mess I had in my life, there was one point where I got sick of everything and left home.
I wanted to leave everything forever, start something new. I wanted to get rid of myself too, but i wasn't brave enough.
And in that moment when I realized I wasn't brave enough to jump from that bridge and dive into eternal sleep, someone came to me and started talking.
"Do you realize that whatever you have done in your life, it is not worth it dying like this?"
I turned my head towards that voice. And there it was.
A skinny young guy, short pants and a baseball cap was leaning on the bridge railing holding a cup of coffee. On his face there was a smile, confidence and peace.
Was he an angel? I am quiet sure he was not, since he started talking about life and swearing.
"You know, shit happens. But what you do when you step in a huge pile of shit? You go home and clean your shoes. That's how life should fucking work, so now get over here and let's go get some food, shall we?".
I turned back to the railing, he helped me get over it and then I started crying. I swear to God I did it, I felt like if I was released from something. Don't ask me from what, but he held me in a big tight hug and started hushing me "It's okay, it's all okay now" and patted me on the back.
I wasn't dreaming. It was all real, because afterwards we got to the closest Burger King and I was getting really really hungry.
"Get whatever you want, I'll pay for it" he said. I was telling him  not to worry about it, he already did enough, but he insisted, and we both got an extra large menu.
"So, what is your name?" he asked me after we sat down at a table.
"I'm Dave"
"I'm Sam" and we shook hands.
I wasn't realizing that this dude could have been a robber or a serial maniac. I was so confident in this guy I just randomly met. But he saved my life. Plus he was kind of different from other people. He looked like he knew many things.
"So, what brought you to the bridge?" he asked. I was eating like a pig, i was very hungry and my mouth was full.
"Woah woah dude, take it easy with that burger!" and he laughed.
"Life brought me to the bridge. I couldn't handle it anymore".
"You do realize that you were acting like stupid" he said. In that moment i thought that maybe he was a sort of religious maniac, one of those "do you have a moment to talk about Jesus the saviour?" type of person.
I swallowed another bite of burger and then took some fries and shoved them in my mouth. Then i answered him.
"I do realize it now. It was all messed up, I just couldn't handle it"

The fact is, basically, that i couldn't start talking about my problems in my life, he was just a stranger, and I usually don't give that much confidence to a stranger. I might be friendly, friendly as hell, but it comes to a point where some things shouldn't be done or said to a stranger.
I couldn't explain to him what i felt like when i realized that i was alone, i couldn't explain many things that popped in my head in that moment, in front of him.
Being part of  society, trying to get involved in normal stuff, but being rejected because of you being you.
I couldn't explain to him, at a Burger King table, things that i passed few years ago when i was in high school, being rejected by friends and girls, coming back home and lying on my bed wishing to fall asleep in a deep coma and get up whenever my brain was ready or never get up at all.
I never liked suicide when i was depressed, i always wondered about trying to get a deep sleep until your brain wakes up in a proper way, jumping all the phases of being a teenage.
I never went out like other guys did in my school. I always had my own world where to live, my own stuff to be worried about. I carried on with the right stuff and not exceed in things.
I tried to be accepted by nerds, but i hated them, i tried to be accepted by the cool guys in school, but i hated them. I was by myself and in my own world and position, which seemed the only way to live my life quietly.
But i was wrong, boy i was so wrong.

You see. It's not that simple to live. You get out alone from a hole and you die alone and get inside another hole. Like boxes in boxes. But it's the way in between that makes it hard to live.
If you live the life i lived, you wold probably get very tired because of all the weight society gives to you and all the pain you have to face.
You probably never experienced it, but it's not that simple.

People like me get very tired and even if they don't look like sad or tired, they are deep inside. I was the funniest in class, and everybody loved my jokes. But that was all. And when i got to serious speeches, nobody would have listened to me and always thought i was joking. So i was the jester and the joker of the kings and queens.
How could i have explained that to Sam? All that, how?
I watched him as he was eating and sipping his soft drink.
He looked relaxed and very secure of himself. Boy, i was jealous.
"You seem to be very interesting, Dave. You look like you might have one or two stories to tell".
Oh yes, i had.  But how. In that moment, everything was passed. The pain of being isolated, the pain of being rejected, the pain of being different and unaccepted. It was all gone, because they looked like stupid problems.
But were they?

So i got a chance to sum up all the things in few words.
"Well, i would love to know where to start. I really don't know, because everything is related, so i must start from the really beginning".
"So just do it" he answered me.
He was i was not sure about it.

"Listen, we can always take a walk somewhere else, at a mall probably, it's too hot outside today. Don't worry, even if you don't know me, you could always think it this way: i'm a stranger and i don't know you so i can't judge and probably i'll never see you again, afterwards!"
That was quiet fair, actually.
"Yeah, that's a good idea. I can't stand the sun and the warm weather, let's go"

We left the Burger King and waled to the mall just one square away.
Damn it was hot as hell, i couldn't handle it!
I can't stand the warm weather, i can't breathe and i just sweat and  don' like it when i sweat, i feel dirty afterwards.
Finally we arrived at the mall, where the air conditioning was perfect.