Depicting Serenity

Chapter II: Hang on a second.

 You know, i have always thought that complaining or talking about me and my problems was stupid, because on this planet there is people that have worse problems than mine.
Mine is not even a problem, and therefore, not even considered. So i guess i can complain as long as i want to and no one will ever really believe me or listen to me.
We all have our problems, and this should make people more comprehensive towards the others... but just turn on the TV or read some lines of a newspaper and you'll see that humans miss something.
We are all selfish, we do care about others but in a way that the ego is elevated to "Oh, poor him, thank god i don't have his same problems!".
That's not how it should work, and i always thought that maybe, for once, if everybody stopped for a moment and realized that every each one of us has the same problems, we would be more comprehensive towards the other and less selfish and probably would get all along together.
I have always been too shy, too gentle, too sensitive that i came to a point where i got stuck and there was no place for me.
As i got older, i thought that being myself was the most important thing and that sometimes wondering about things is the thing that keeps us alive.
The people i met, the people i talked to, they were all different in many ways, and no one was as comprehensive as Sam that day.
As i walked with him into the freshness of the shopping mall, i realized that this guy saved my life and that i shouldn't be scared of him. I was ready to give him all my problems thinking that maybe he could have solved them.
"Is there anything else that is bothering you, Dave?"
he asked me, as we dodged the crowd in the mall. People getting inside and outside of shops with bags full of stuff.
"Actually there is, but i cannot concentrate on it. It's so hard to explain..."
"Yes, it is sometimes. Try to keep it simple and then go around it twice" he answered.
Well, in that moment, many things jumped from the vault of darkness of my mind.
I was seeing things, scenes that i had forgotten, things that have been there for a long time and then things that i wanted to forget.
As i saw a bench, i sat down and tried to think about it.
I tried to explain to Sam the things that i couldn't handle anymore.
It all started since the end of high school.
Once i was left alone, in the outside world, i felt something gripping my chest.
I got into college. Worst nightmare. I had some friends, but i constantly felt an outsider.
Even with the uncool guys. I always felt that sense of not belonging to anyone.
I tried to get a girlfriend too. But that came after i decided to get into being accepted.
I started partying, i went to lots of parties and all, but every time i got back into my dorm, i started crying, and wishing i was never born. This time i was accepted, but i always felt that i never belonged to them in any way. It was me refusing them this time.
I was seeing all the patterns that people had, their ways of interacting with others. I was doing everything like they were doing. I was one of them, but i felt out of it.
I had some friends, one was Philip and the other was Ed. They were quiet cool, hilarious and very polite too. They were quiet standard. I had thought that maybe they were like me.
I was wrong. They knew many things that i didn't know.
At the parties, many times, i was left alone when the others had girls with them. Obviously i was single, i never had a girlfriend, ever.
Even if there was a bunch of girls i liked, like the ginger girl from the Art class or the blue eyed girl that played lacrosse, i never had the chance to talk to them, or ask them out.
It was like if there was this manual that everybody had, and i never had the copy. As if the copies were finished before i came to life.
I always felt like that, and i always ended up in my dorm, alone, crying.
Then, it was the third month i think, a guy came into my dorm. He was staying with me, because i haven't shared my dorm with someone else. His name was Chad. He was alright. Grade A in every subject, a classic nerd and all. He was very clever, but socially unable. I never felt being friend with him, he never actually talked to me. We would just say hi and all, but never talked about anything at all even if i tried to. I used to get angry and complain about him with Philip and Ed because I couldn't stand his way of not socializing.
The same month Philip and Ed encouraged me to ask out the ginger girl from the Art class.
It never worked out. I felt uncomfortable with her. Yes she was nice, very gorgeous, but there was no feeling. As usual, my self esteem didn't work.
Philip and Ed encouraged me again. "Don't worry, it's normal, it will be fine!"
The thing is that i wasn't sad about not working it out, i was angry at myself and the way i acted.
Plus, the oddest thing was that i always been myself and i never did anything stupid.
But that was it. I couldn't handle this anymore, it was me after all.
Being myself wasn't working. But why should i had lied to someone. I couldn't handle it and it was not acceptable for me to act as something that i was not.

But that was the first piece of a puzzle that was never ended.
From that day, i started to go out with other girls, but all failed miserably.
It was sometimes me, and other times them. It was alternated.
Many times i went out with girls that didn't have a clue, other times i went out with girls that knew too much. And i always felt uncomfortable. Sometimes i ended up waiting for something that never came and lost the train forever or ended up going too fast and scaring the hell out of them because i was too passionate. That's what happens when i like someone.
If you are wondering, no i am not gay or anything. Plus it was not a matter of sex. See, that is the point. That it is not always a matter of sex, many times it's an unexplained desire that is not physical.
It's hard to explain. But maybe it all comes from the fact that we all search for someone like us, but we all end up accepting that there is no one like us and we accept the physical desire to take place.
But is it?
As i was talking to Sam, and telling him the whole story, the time passed by.