Treacherous // Obi-Wan

one

"These words are knives that often leave scars."

***

Ever since I was just five years old, I knew I wasn't wanted. I knew that nobody cared about me, and that nobody ever would. I guess that's why I found it so strange when Obi-Wan said he did.
     This is the story of us. I'd love to just skip over all the sadness and doubt, anger and frustration, and tell you that we lived happily ever after, but that sort of thing doesn't really happen in real life. But maybe it's not about the happy ending. Maybe it's about the story. And in order to tell the story correctly, I'd have to start from the beginning.

***

     I don't remember much about my childhood, not anything specific anyway. I don't remember anything about my parents. I lived with my brother, Jasper, up until I was five years old. He had always told me that they left us, and that they didn't want us. That they didn't want me. He wouldn't even tell me their names. He had always blamed me, saying that they left because they never wanted a second child. Despite him telling me all these horrible things, I loved him. Jasper was the only person I had.
Three weeks before my sixth birthday, he left. He said that he was making a trip to town to get more supplies, because we lived a little more than a mile out of town. He said he would be back soon. But he lied. I never saw Jasper again.
A few days later, I was found laying on the hot sand of Tatooine, half way between town and our home. Nobody knew how long I had been laying there. Some say I was found by a Jedi Master, some say by poor slave woman from the village. To this day I have no clue who is right. Somehow, they noticed I was force-sensitive, but who knows how they discovered that. Before that day I had never shown any sign of it.
     They brought me to Coruscant to be trained. Prior to bringing me here I didn't have any idea that the Jedi even existed. Jasper shielded me from anything that has to do with our parents, leaving me, curious and confused, to wonder what the Jedi had to do with our parents. I had to spend a week in the medical center to gain back my strength, physically and mentally. By the time I started Jedi training I was six years old.
I wasn't necessarily close to any of the other younglings. I wasn't really close to anyone for that matter, until I was assigned to a master.

***

"You did very well during training today, my young padawon. Take what's left of the day to get some rest, or spend it however you please. I have a mission I must complete alone, I leave tomorrow. While I am away, you will be training with Master Qui Gon Jinn and his padawon, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I expect you be on your best behavior during that time."

"Yes, Master. You have nothing to worry about."

"Astrid, I mean it," Master Windu said sternly, as if he thought I didn't know what meant.

"As do I, Master," I said politely, though it took everything in me not to roll my eyes.

     Master Windu is truly an amazing Jedi, but he is so frustrating. Constantly treating me like a youngling, though he says I will be ready to face the trials soon. He doesn't understand. But on the other hand, he has his reasons for everything, and I may be the one who just doesn't understand.
Drowning in my own thoughts about the trials and everything going on around me, I almost don't notice that I walked right past my apartment door. As soon as I got inside, I went straight to the bedroom and slept.

***

"Jas, why have I never seen mommy and daddy?" I ask Jasper. I was so little then, so innocent.

"Because they didn't want you. Because of you, they left. They left you behind with me, even though I never wanted you either," he spat, angry and annoyed. Even at just 4 years old, I could tell he was just about to burst. All the anger and frustration and disappointment would all be taken out on me in the next few moments. "All they ever wanted was to live a happy life, just mom, dad, and me. Only me. Not you. It's your fault they left us. Do you know what that means? To have something bad happen to someone else, all because of you? Nobody will ever, ever, want you." And with that, he left. He walked out the door, leaving poor, confused, four-year-old me, to cry alone, not knowing when he would return.

***

     I woke up, covered in sweat and tears, my dark brown hair sticking to the side of my face. I remember that day vividly, just like it was yesterday. I remember seeing the anger in that teenage boy's eyes as he spat those words at me, those words that will be engraved in my brain until the day I die. I've tried countless times to convince myself that his words weren't true, that he didn't mean them. But every single time I tried, I failed. I believed every word he said to me that day. And I still do. I thought that over time I would forget this day. That I would lose these feelings of absolute sadness, but time has not been my friend. It's as if as time goes on, each day, I get a better image of that day. It appears clearer and more detailed in my memory than it used to. That day that any happiness I had ever felt, left, and was replaced by guilt, and dare I say, hatred, for myself. At four years old, I felt these feelings that nobody, no matter the age should ever have to feel. I want nothing more than to be able to be happy like I was before this day. But I cannot feel happy without feeling selfish, or like I don't deserve happiness. All these feelings, these feelings that a Jedi is not supposed to have, have stuck with me all these years.

***

Hello :)

Really hope you enjoyed the first chapter of Treacherous.

I apologize for any grammar mistakes or typos, or if it was boring to read, but this is kind of like the introduction into the story, I promise it will get better. I also apologize for how cheesy the beginning was..

Thank you so, so much for reading! I truly do appreciate it :)

-emma :)