In Bloom

Lithium

  I sat outside of that big school building, on the bench. My hair was wet from the rain, pouring down around me. Each droplet of cold rain touched my hot skin like a piercing. The rain fell so hard, as it hit the pavement, the sound was like a popcorn kernel exploding in the microwave. The way the clouds had arranged themselves so that the darkest, lowest clouds were in the middle of the sky and the lightest, highest clouds were on the outside of the ring of dark clouds made it appear as if the sky would cave in at any moment. It's not like I would care if it did or didn't, either way what did I have to lose? I wouldn't be leaving anyone behind if I left this town, if I died.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Tracy. She was walking toward me with a sense of urgency. I don't act selfishly, I look up to see what she needs. "Are you fine?! It's raining, you could get sick. Come with me," she said tugging my rain-covered arm. I get up and let her hand pull me in whichever direction she's going. We're going to her car. "Get in, Marisol," she says when I don't open the door. Finally, after seconds pass, I open the door and get into her car. I look down, hair still dripping, and sigh. "Where are we going?" I ask, not really caring, but just making conversation. Tracy halts the car. "Where do you want to go?" she asks. "I don't care," I say. Rolling her eyes, Tracy continues driving. After being on the road for a while, I can tell we're on the path to her house.

"Your place it is," I say. Steady on the road for another half hour, I rest my head on the window. Outside the window, was the beautiful everyday world, only I saw it differently than most people. If you'd pass by with any other person, they'd complain about something. But I would only admire the beauty. It's like some sort of curse, I can never see the bad in things, only the good. I can regrettably admit that this has lead me to very poor decisions. You do all the wrong things and fall for all the wrong people when you're like me. I guess it's just a symptom of being too kind. Everyone thinks you're stupid, they think you're a pushover. Maybe it's true, maybe I'm both things.

  "What's the matter with me?" I ask Tracy when we are finally inside her house.

" What do you mean?" she asks.

"Why do people always push me away? Why am I never good enough?"

"I don't know. You're perfect to me, I have no idea why anyone would think you're not good enough. I suppose they think you're really reactive, you get sad very quickly, my dear. Maybe they stay away because they don't want to be the reason. But please don't act like you haven't got any friends, because you do. Many of them, we all just want to make sure you feel loved."

"I know people want to make sure I'm okay, and I am. I know someone loves me. That's not what I want. I just want to be to others as they are to me. I want someone to care about me to the same level I care about them on. There have been too many situations where I think someone is my friend, and I'm just an associate. They're my best-friend, but they've got someone else to fill the spot. Or I'm in love with them, but I'm nothing to them. Someone means the world to me, but I'm just another person. I hope I've never put anyone through that, I hope I've never made anyone feel worthless ."

Tracy looks at me with a blank stare. When I pour out my emotions like an ocean into a cup, no one can seem to find the words to say back. It's fine, I don't want anyone's advice. I just want to let it out, and to have someone listen, or at least pretend to. Would that be too much to ask? She's right, I'm highly reactive, just like lithium. I should chill out and stop acting like a brat? I should hold it in? Is there something wrong with me that I can't? Somebody call Bob-the-Builder to come fix me, then.

  "You should get some rest, darling. When you wake up you'll either feel 100 times better or 1000 times worse, but at least it's worth a shot," was the only thing Tracy said after 10 minutes of complete silence. "You're right. There's nothing like being tangled in the great escape of temporarily leaving your problems," I say walking to the her room to lay down.