2 a.m.

Epilogue

Mom,

Dear Mom,

Mother,

To Whom it May Concern,

Mom,

Hi. It's Valerie. Well, obviously it's Valerie. Your daughter.

Grams tells me you're doing good. That you started accepting letters now, but I shouldn't expect a reply yet. Still not wanting visitors, but I understand that. It's only been a little over a year.... Did she tell you what's been going on here? I know she can pass on information to you, or at least find a way to get it to you, since you don't want to see her either. I don't know if she did, she told me you've been having a hard time lately and maybe a letter from me might help cheer you up, I guess...

I finished my first year at the University here, along with Jack. My two friends also go there, and one of them actually decided to pursue a degree in psychology. She wants to specialize in helping abused and battered women, she volunteers with one of those lines you can call in too when you need someone to talk to. A lot of people use those. Her and her fiancé and her little brother, they just recently bought a small house, just a little starter one you know? He's really excited to set up the nursery, even though they have a few more months before the baby is due. We're all really excited, I'm going to be an honorary aunt to a sweet baby boy.

Uhm, my other two friends, well they're popping in every now and then but they're usually pretty busy with their shop. Bobbie is running a diving thing and she really likes it. She even got Shep's mom to come down every weekend and teach classes with her. It was really funny seeing this suburb trophy wife put on a wetsuit and flippers, and it really is helping Shep and her get closer together... you know, repair the damage between them...

I'm good. The house is good, Jack and I have been playing with the idea of getting a dog. Well, he's been playing with the idea, even though his life is basically playing football for the university, classes, and our life we're building together... I'm not home enough to think about it, classes take most of my time too and I'm starting a new job soon, just helping run a small boutique that's owned by one of my old classmates. I think you might remember her, her name's Becca. Her and her girlfriend opened it up and I told them I would help out and get them on their feet. It's real quirky, very bohemian and artsy shit. So far everything is really good.

We cleaned out your room, I had your stuff sent to you. Gram's said she would store it till... well she'll hold onto it. But yeah, Jack wants a dog. I think I'm going to come home to one soon, because I'm slowly finding dog stuff around the house, and yesterday I found a dog bed at the foot of our bed. When I asked Jack about it he said it was just something that caught his eye. Yeah, just like the bag of dog toys in the laundry room I found last week and the puppy food in the pantry.

I said I was good right? I'm good, everything is good. I'm looking forward to, you know, the rest of whatever happens next.

I wasn't going to write to you, I don't know what to say. Jack convinced me that it was a good thing, to tell you how I was and I don't know, he said some more shit but I kind of tuned it out after he said something like "it will help you grow as a person". Gram's been calling every day, and she's been asking me if I've started this letter yet. She even got Grandpa to call the other day, I didn't know he used phones.

I'm still mad at you, mom. I think I always will be. And I wish that you'll get better and stay... I wish things could be good again. But I'm happy now, and I feel like you're doing better there. Jack is always telling me to be honest with how I feel and to talk about my emotions more you know, so I don't let it all fester and then explode. I threw a toaster at him one time because- but nevermind that.

I'm mad at you, is the point. That you left me, and that you did all these shitty things to yourself and to me. That you made me feel broken and alone and weren't here for me. You made me feel like I wasn't worth sticking around for.

I thought I hated you for a long time mom, I really did. And I would talk to Gram's about it every day that she called, and when she and Grandpa came to visit this Christmas and all my family came here for presents and dinner, I realized something You didn't leave me alone, I was surrounded with my family. And I don't hate you. I love you, mom. I miss you every day and love you every day. I was mad at you, because you messed up. I was mad that you were weak, and chose to throw away your life. But that's the thing- you chose to make what you did out of your life.

I get to choose my own life now, and I choose to be happy. I choose to finish school, and get my degree in business. I choose to come home to Jack every day and tell him I love him, and believe him when he says he loves me. I get to enjoy Sunday brunches with his parents and then sloppy get-togethers with my friends, that usually involve underage drinking. I've grown up mom, and I wish someday, that you will to.

I'm sorry you needed something to make your life worth it, but... my life is worth it. I am worth the effort, I'm pretty fucking awesome you know? Jack tells me every day, and I believe him now. Myra, Bobbie, Shep, Derek, Kevin, Grams, Grandpa, Becca, all these people in my life love me and see me for who I am. They don't tie me to your actions and choices like I used to. My worth it self-determined, not predetermined.

I love you mom, and I hope you get better soon. I hope you let Gram's visit you, because even when I didn't believe you would get clean, she did. She's been rooting for you, and she loves you... Grandpa is sad too. Let them see you, please. I don't think you'll write back, and that's okay. I'm not going to wait for you anymore.

Don't forget about me, and how much I love you. And please, don't hate me when I say that I'm happy without... well, without you. Sometimes we have to move on mom, and I'll be here when you find yourself again, and you're ready to fit into my life again. But I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I deserve. To be perfectly honest, I don't think my friends would let me anyways.

And one last thing... I really hope Jack gets us a husky.

-Valerie.