Just Breathe

I know

I know...

I know I'm his second choice

I know when he texts me, he's texting her

I know when he talks to me, he thinks of her

I know when he tells me he loves me, he tells her too

I know...

I know I love him

I know I don't deserve him

I know we never would have worked

But I still care...

I care that he talks to her

I care that he he still has the audacity to say he loves me

I care that he can bounce between our conversations

But I still care...

I care that he can look at me without his chest beating a mile a minute

Without the feeling of being held underwater and that he is my air

I care that he says we won't work out

We won't see each other

He has a life

He doesn't want people to know

But she lives two states away and I live two miles

She has a life too but I'm here...waiting

I want people to know, I want the world to know!

I'm in love

He broke my shell

I used to be cold, I wouldn't let anyone in

I would ignore, hide in my shell, and never speak

I was shy, anxious, and depressed

But he saved me

I lived when I was with them

I felt

But my happiness was one sided

My heart beats only for him

But his beats for another girl

I let him go

I fall more and more in love

He never tried

He falls more and more out of love

I know...

I know it's hurting me

I know it's why I haven't been sleeping

I know it's why I spend countless hours waiting for him to text me

To call me

To talk to me

But I know...

I know he doesn't love me

I know he doesn't care

I know I need to let go

But I won't...

I won't because I am stupid

I won't because I'm too far gone

I won't because I finally understand what's it's like when you found someone worth staying on this miserable planet for

Before I was alone

Before I was resentful

Before I would rather be sitting on the edge of my bed with a razor in my hand

Or a knife...

Or a gun...

Because what's the point of living when I wake up every morning knowing no one cares

Knowing I don't care

Knowing he doesn't care

Knowing my friends don't care

Knowing my family doesn't care

So I sit

And I wait

Because here I am again, waiting for him to stop talking to her so I can have my chance to live a little

He is my drug, and I am addicted

Morales don't seem to stick

I know...

I know he isn't mine

I know I'm his second choice

I know it's wrong

I know I'm someone he can't wait to get rid of

I know he'd rather talk to her

I know he'd rather love her

I know he doesn't love me anymore

God, I know...