Shadows

Falling.

When you get to the part of the roller coaster that falls, you get confused. You spit words that you don't mean, or things that aren't true. But you are never ready for the accuser, nor being the one accused. Your first humanly instinct is to defend yourself. But when two animals are fighting, they won't stop until the other can't continue.

Humans tend to be exaggerated when they disagree. Arguments are more dramatic than necessary. And people get hurt. People are too easily scarred. And the scars last for too long than wanted. Some people want to keep their battle scars as reminders. And that's how self-harm happens.

When you are in this state of sadness, you are grateful for anything that may make you forget about it. Some people do drugs, others listen to music. It's different for everyone.

Then you can be the person who feels so bad about the situation that they want to feel it. They keep every bit of information to their mind so they can feel the guilt overwhelm them. When they are engulfed by all the guilt, they cry. For a long time, they just cry.

No one can prepare for this pain. Back on the roller coaster, all of the way up and then suddenly your back down. Too fast for anyone to prepare or be prepared. And when it's over, all you can do is sit in silence for a second to let yourself regroup.

The worst part about fights is the untrue things. When people are finding random reasons to hate you. They tell everyone else those reasons, and they break you. Every one believes that whatever made them so mad has to be bad. They believe that there is something wrong with you. And when people say things untrue, your main object is to defend yourself. You shouldn't be blamed for something that is not true.

Then there is the inevitable loss. In this, you cannot win. There is no way that you can win. Because the person is not yelling at you for whatever you have done. They are blaming their problems on you. They believe that if they can get rid of the problem that it would be better and easier. But them stating the problems and loosing a friend have nothing to do with each other. You cannot simply call an electric eel a rubber duck and then it's a rubber duck. You cannot just change something that easily. Also, you cannot bring such sudden pain on someone so easily when you are not yelling at them.

The worse part is when you know that it's over. That there's no fighting unless that person gives up the fight and decides to bring you back. When there are unfinished things that need to be discussed but are left unfinished because you are not welcome anymore. When your two best friends would choose each other and leave you in the street to find your own way home, alone.

And in the darkest times, you go to your best methods for refuge and they fail you. You try so hard, but yet there is nothing that can be done.

It is even harder when all of your friends connect to that one person. They are friends with both, and I am almost certain they wouldn't pick me. If they had to choose in three seconds, their choice would be him. The guy who hurt me. The guy who blamed me. He will now be the guy who took everything from me. He will be the holder of all of my friends. He will be the key to my thoughts before I sleep. And I don't know how long I can keep it up.