Before I break

It was easy for her to lose herself to the outside world as she looked through the window above the kitchen sink. On bright sunny days like today everything looked perfect and alive, even if that's not how she felt inside.

Maura had woke alone again this morning, the third time this week a new record for her wife. Maura knew married life was difficult they each had careers Maura being the chief medical examiner in Boston, and Jane being a homicide detective, and then adding Conner, their beautiful son to the mix was even more difficult.

Maura had taken some time off, the some time had become a year she hardly ever saw her wife anymore, in the beginning it was easy it's what she knew, they didn't always go to sleep together or even wake up in the morning together their jobs were not the issue.

The issue was finding out from Vince korsak, Jane's former partner that Jane hadn't been to work in weeks, and every time Jane had left this house and said she was going to work she had been lying to her, that was the issue.

So now she's staring out the window contemplating leaving.

"What is Jane doing? Is she having an affair? Did we have a child to soon?"

All these thoughts come to her, she's so angry she wants to scream, but Conner who looks so much like Jane would never understand what's wrong with her.

She turns from the sink to look at this beautiful child and thinks back to the moment they decided to have a child.

"I don't want to be the one to carry a baby, it's just not me Maura."

"I never said you had to be the one to carry it, I would love to carry your child."

Walking over to her wife Jane touched Maura's face enough to make Maura look at her. "If this is something you really want to do, if carrying my child is what you want to do lets do it Maura, make the appointment whatever needs done I'm there."

"You mean that?" Maura said with a smile.

"Of course I do babe." Jane answered with that smile Maura loved so much.

It wasn't that easy, after taking Jane's eggs and the donated sperm Jane thought that was all that needed to be done and Maura would be pregnant it took months of retrying enough to frustrate Jane, she had thought there was something wrong with her eggs even the doctor had her doubts, but finally one morning almost like today the test came back positive.

That's when Jane changed she'd be gone for days granted most of those days she was working a case but even when she was home she was distant, but not once did Maura think Jane didn't want their child, her, this marriage, not once until today.

Maura carried Conner upstairs to lay him down for his nap, she watched him for several seconds and then left the room. Maura took the few steps across the hall to her and Jane's bedroom.

She didn't think, she knew if she did doing this would hurt more. She went to the closet and got the suitcase she used for business trips, only this wouldn't be a business trip.

Packing the things she could was like packing away the last five years of her life. Each thing put in the suitcase was breaking her apart, she knew when she was finished and was walking out the front door with Conner she would be in a million little pieces.

When the suitcase was full she turned to get another for conner's stuff but stopped mid way when she saw Jane, arms crossed and leaning against the door frame she had obviously been there for some time.

Jane stared at Maura and then the suitcase still on the bed. For once in all this time Maura had known Jane, Jane let her emotions show for just a few seconds Maura was able to see hurt and confusion and anger all in one.

Maura wanted to say something she didn't want Jane to hurt she loved her to much to see her hurt, but as she went to say something Conner woke and the mask that Jane let down was back in place she stared at Maura for a second more and then walked across the hall to Conner.

Maura sat on the bed and let the breath she didn't realize she was holding out. The tears she had been holding back came, all the anger she had towards Jane intensified when the tears came.

Maura got herself together, she knew she had to. She had to face Jane, and she would like to do that dry eyed.

When she left their room she went into conners expecting to find Jane, only in the mist of her breakdown Jane had gotten conner and taken him down stairs. She went down, and found Jane cleaning the dishes from this mornings breakfast.

The silence between them was frightening. Maura didn't know what to say or if she should, Jane owed her an explanation.

When the plates and cups were washed Jane finally turned to look at Maura. Maura wished Jane's mask wasn't in place so she could read her.

"You leaving?" Is all Jane said like it was no big deal.

"What is wrong with you?" Maura answered back just as calmly.

Jane hesitated a beat and then walked over to Maura. Jane reached to touch Maura but instead said.

"You said you'd never leave me."

"If you want me to stay you'll tell me why you haven't been to work, why you keep lying to me?" Maura says staring right at Jane, looking for some kind of explanation, some kind of hope that all these questions she has can be answered.

Jane almost looked defeated like there was no honest and true explanation she could give.

Maura felt Jane grab her hand and watched as she intertwined their fingers and then look back up to Janes face.

"I have things going on right now, things you wouldn't understand."

Maura opened her mouth to say something, but Jane stopped her by bringing her other hand to her face quieting her with just a touch.

"It'll all make sense in good time Maur I promise, I just don't need you to give up on me. The day you married me and the day you gave birth to our child were two of the best days of my life, I wouldn't have had them if it weren't for you."

Jane removed her hand from Maura's face, when Maura look at Jane again her mask was gone.

Jane meant every word she said. Janes lips met Maura's forehead and linger.

"You're the reason I fight to stay here." Jane said on a whisper.

Maura couldn't hold back the unshed tears anymore.

"You say that like you're leaving." Maura says in between sniffles.

Jane lift Maura's face and wipes the tears clean.

"I'm not the one packing bags babe."

Maura couldn't help but laugh a little.