Ruby--041914
Once upon a time there was a girl. Nothing exceptionally profound or special about this young lady. She was born into a good home and family and grew up with many friends, opportunities, options and support in any endeavor. A very happy child: optimistic and playful but accepting to fault. It’s not particularly her own fault for embodying naivety in its most manipulative form. It’s really hard to identify the cause: the loving home, the end-to-end spectrum of friends and acquaintances. The strongest driving force can be called curiosity seeking utmost fulfillment.
From a young age this little girl wanted not only to see the world, but to save the world. Prevent pollution, encourage physical activity, embrace interactions, gain knowledge of all things relevant. When her visions were snickered at—overheard behind closed doors; deemed ridiculous and unattainable, or grossly overlooked and unappreciated instead of fighting for what she wanted, she conformed. With a few shoulder shrugs she tried to, and did, repress her hopes and refocused her outlook on the world. She relearned how to live, but not how to think. If only she knew then what she would learn and cultivate later in life this story would be different. But it’s much too late for a school house uproar.
Determined and destined to be known and renowned and remembered she tread a different path than as so wholeheartedly craved in youth. Some factors internal affected by the ever-chaotic external: the environments, situations, strangers, playmates, adults, teachers, programs, events and activities all play in—some joyfully memorable but more less than pleasant memories flash through the mind of this star—from handclaps to family fights, constructive and destructive disciplines. Birth, death, beach vacations and so many places blip as pictures and scenes.
Although never feeling as though she left much of a mark anywhere, everywhere impacted, shaped, and molded her captive youthful spirit. In almost all involvements there is an itch of regret plaguing her thoughts—why so passive, why didn’t I do more, why was I shy/reserved/afraid, why can’t I just be me she thought. These distracting and seemingly abusive thoughts visit at random. The friend you don’t want to be around any longer, the mouth that goes on and on with not one bite of useful information, the pining aching longing inescapable cape connected soul-deep that occasionally and abruptly catches a gust of wind that causes one’s feet to misstep.
As the young girl grew, her home changed, then family, then school, then friends, that’s when the shadow became apparent. This girl, this young smart innocent happy girl gradually discovered just a few of the innumerable sly forms in which evil exists. Deceit, accusation, ignorance, prejudice—so overwhelming and startling. Everyone is blessed with a life path which will provide all things needed to move forward to one day, not eventually, but one day be able to take one’s desired stance to feel complete and to truly be complete. With this perspective in mind when our star’s cape becomes entangling, caught in tornado force storms, she can confidently state that whatever affliction, obstacle, or deterrent knocks her down that she must barrel through and endure to find release.
This approach to life is painful, brutally heart wrenching, sickening, damn near devastating—fatal for some. Not this girl, she has not had her debut, there’s more to come so she bared her shoulders with head high. The girl so comfortably and naturally would draw attention to herself in the least obtrusive ways; in ways that others could not address, or recreate and for many, fathom. Head to toe this young lady growing into a real lady would push social norms, shatter social expectations, push every dress policy and fashion standard to an unapproachable level. The quirky weird crazy “stylish” chick was a real girl which was not only mind blowing for many set in their routines, but unfailingly attracted turbulent energies. With a good head of common sense and book smarts school came easy leaving plenty of time to do the real work. Opportunities began to arise that would push and challenge the motives and morale of this unsure but determined girl’s life.
As is life, from the start it was easy to identify boundaries and limits but as more factors materialized every single day, what she got into, thinking she could influence with good positive happy innocence, actually grabbed her cape and sometimes led and sometimes followed throughout her seemingly never ending journey in a strange facet of life.
By and by, a day reignited her burnt out desire. Not that the idea and fantasy of perfection had changed, but the not so young and not so lady like star had burnt out. The unfamiliar lifestyle she liked to claim as her own was clearly not for her at all. As quickly as she appeared in the scene she seemed to disappear again. Wishfully to a safe haven but actually just an empty shell she called home—her body and her mind. Often with as many tears as ink she would vent, hope, explain and question. No one answered. Since she never boasted for attention she would surely never cry out for it.
After an eternity, there was beauty in the world again. Just like a bulb bursting through the soil after a million treacherous black winters, the lost child emerged as a level headed woman.
Acknowledging friendship and love with the drawback of restrictions, our star was one of millions shining brightly for the world. Miles and lust cannot cultivate love, only destroy it. The tornado of terror tangled the hair of the once again letdown disappointed and hurt young lady. This time the scenery was more promising—laughter and games and the security of a home away from home. The co-ed became commingling became confusing became confound. Then life changed places. With one hand to the ethereal and one hand buried deep in a secret, life was contenting until as if on cue a devastating burden fell upon her so-dearly-longing-to-be-independent shoulders. So many ways to turn—remaining planted, one by one the options narrowed; what did not align with her simple constraints was effortlessly set free.
Longing for understanding she clung to one much weaker whom she could not escape. There was pity and disgust and hope, but not love. Knowing the anguish of emptiness from not participating in an admirable activity our young princess had the terrible habit of kindly coercing disinterested dimwits to accompany her. Her events she adored. She wanted to share that excitement and happiness with the world. One major issue—the world she and her peers lived was on a different plane than reality. She inexplicably found herself straddling the worlds, for one. Decisions had to be made, priorities identified, acknowledgment spoken, probably some hearts broken. There are so many antonyms to describe the once enjoyable double life. God, appointment, friendship, fellowship, encouragement, enchantment, & growth slipping from one hand. Frat parties, drugs, police, theft, sex, all forms of illegal and sick unrelentingly consuming the other hand. Like clockwork the scene flipped anew.
Thrills and chills, excitement and argument, no sleep skin deep,
car bed—pounding head. Drunken nights, no blue lights.
New strangers. No dangers.
A cosmic flow of time and reality functioning consistently to the favor of our redirected lady provided an enjoyable season. Even the most abstract and thorough movie could not capture or communicate the perfection of these nearly perfect times. This sun kissed star was a sun for the world! Finally a piece of fulfillment so duly earned. As flawless as the year upon her, she knew she was still far, far from her heart’s home—wherever that may be.
By enduring a friend a new way of life was soon underway. The educated, content woman thought destiny was the next and final achievement. So what that there was more recklessness than humanly imaginable. She was approaching a new heaven, new scene of the same name, a heaven? The harsh and bitter words exchanged with sickening and exhausting regularity only drove her to work harder to create balance. There was rarely peace and no memories, only worry and wonder, respectively. Aching fear that despite her most empathetic strides there would never be sympathy. There could never be balance, equality and respect. Two hearts, two heads, two completely different worlds.
Maybe the opposite of ultimate sacrifice would be the welding bond. Nope. In a whirlwind of pent up fear and confusion this girl reverted to a child on her own but persevered as a soldier for the cause. With excuses and reiteration to all and herself that every aspect would eventually become right, she fought. Feigned happiness and bravery to sustain the withering vines, the unraveling thread that was the most powerful emotion experienced thus far. Every doubt and worry and fear exposed only to be reassured with lies and denials and a childish fear long, long overcome. An ultimatum that crossed the line sworn off as foolishly selfish and impatient was the breaking point. The end of sorts of every conscious and subconscious aspiration.
Shattered, angry, confused, dumbfounded, overwhelmed, desperate, denied, abused, used, cheated, and fucked only begin to describe the deepest tip of the iceberg which is this girl.
A new responsibility, a new body, no life, no love. The most hurtful feelings from the year past engulfed her broken soul thousand-fold. No matter how may desperate attempts to reconcile, all efforts were fruitless. Dead.
After the denial stage faded and reality gripped with the protective grace of the universe, the broken princess was gently carried to new horizons. She shed her cape because she is not a superhero. She pushed back all past trauma and was prepared to deflect any adversity with blatant disregard. Breaks were allowed, opportunities arose, again in a bigger better way dreams were coming true which softened what spirit remained. The initial enjoyment proved as façade. When what seemed like the ever rushing funnel of despair threated to smuggle our dear girl away again messengers arrived. In dreams, in conversation, in interactions. The rowdy, innocent, spirit was rekindled.
Caution begged—warning and flashing reminders of the pains that sting so deeply even tears can’t provide consolation. But this battered lady, this tortured woman knew that with time of the essence forward is the only way to go. A stranger, unknown to the now carefree girl, possessed an allure. Radiant energy, not turbulent. Fun but not wild. Sweet but not obsessive. Collected and spontaneous. Desirable, successful. Open but not overbearing. The boy that arrived incoincidentally at the idle unsatisfactory forefront of her life was a very curious and special occurrence. Why now, after years of praying, hurting, hunting, begging, and searching does everything suddenly fall flawlessly into place? How can any power/force/being ANY possibly have the suave to connect two random beings at the opportune second required to produce absolute perfection. The mesmerized girl played every possible combination which may produce a soul mate, a true love, a real friend. There were no grounds for comparison in the varied expanse of life thus far. So, not wanting to pass up a first in her lifetime chance, she dove full bodied into the strong open arms. This was not a boy—he is the epitome of her dreams. He embodies every irresistible characteristic the girl had ever pined for, and more! With a past of a different path, it so happened that the crossroads finally, finally intersected and aligned.
Baffling and slightly frightening all past fell away as she inched closer to this special man. A light, a brightness, a smile, an indescribable happiness enveloped her new world. There are no more scenes, no more fear, no more fighting, no more hurt. The warm tingling of insatiability replaced all else. With a new form of communication, a secret language, equal respect, shared responsibility, and the agreement to never become contented with less than empirical satisfaction, a forever is created.
Only the unseen merciful forces that drew these seekers together as one could ever cause a rift. The confidence and spectacular awesomeness of a trustworthy love stands strong... a force to be reckoned. No one, no thing—NOTHING—can ever create a greater legacy than this king with his queen by his side! The test of time will challenge spirits and attempt to interfere but everything and our happiness will exist for infinity.
Lesson: It’s the silly things in life that are often the most difficult to comprehend.
