Always Unrequited

Letter to Mr. Who Loves Me Not

At this last day of May 2016, I've decided to write a letter to Mr. who loves me not:

Hi kuya! How are you? I hope you're doing well. 4 days ago might be the last time I'd see you. Maybe, coincidence or destiny wouldn't let us see each other again. So I'm gathering up all my confidence to tell you that I like you and at this very moment I know it wouldn't and it will never matter to you. This feeling matters because you matter to me. I told myself that I don't like you anymore 'coz I already love you. Yes. Love. I love you, but then again, I have to stop myself from falling since I know that for the nth time, no one will catch me. Well you see, I'm already tired of seeing myself broken.

I liked you since the day I noticed you sitting there near the secretary. You were new yet you were friendly and kind. You also had a nice smile, of which I loved to see every morning that's why I intentionally pass by the office even if it's out of my way. I also admired how you work and study at the same time. That time I started stalking you. I searched for you in Facebook, it took me some time but I found you and we became friends on Facebook. I also had the chance to see your grades and found out that you are really smart and I have fallen for you more. I was very proud to see your name on the Dean's List, it's as if I am your mom but no, I am just so proud of you!

We were not that close because every time I see you I always find a way to avoid you or ignore you but you- you would always find time to say hi and ask how am I doing or how my dad is. Then I would just answer your question and smile and just walk away as if nothing happened but I would carry that smile throughout the day. I love our small conversations, it makes me happy every time I talk to you.

On Facebook, I am the one who sends you messages first. Facebook, it's the only place where I find courage to talk to you. I send you a message whenever I feel sad and I thought you are the one who can make me feel better but unfortunately no. Often times you don't reply and it makes me more depressed. However, there are also times when you reply and our conversation just goes on, it feels nice to know more about you, it feels nice to be your friend in reality.

I love imagining that one day we'll be together, still friends but closer. I'd like to start my day sending you sweet messages and ending it with stories that happened to me during the day. I'd like you to be there for me whenever I need a support, and tell me that you'll still love me whenever I fail. I'd like to tell you the crazy story of the time when I first liked you, how you broke my heart without you knowing it, how I tried to move on without us having a commitment and how I fell in love with you over and over again. I'd like to tell you this stories in full details. I'd like us to make memories together of which we could share to our family. I'd like us to be happy together.

Maybe this things going on in my head will remain as imaginations, they will never come into reality. But always remember that I would still always hope and pray for you to find happiness in whatever you do and in whoever you fall in love in with. I would and always be your friend who secretly admires you and prays for you to be happy even if your happiness doesn't already include me.

Currently, I'm beginning to accept the reality in life that not everything we like can be given to us and not everyone we love can love us back. I believe that God has a better plan and it is not to give what or who we like but to give us what and who we deserve.