Poems/opinions about the world

WARNING: deep shit ahead

Dear You,

     A lot of things have happened this year. I met Ansel, became friends with Asata, and currently have a "girlfriend". I've also accepted existence. I know that might sound like a huge thing that no fourteen year old could ever truly understand but I really think I have. A part of that is realizing that my views, beliefs, and feeling are always changing for as long as I live. For the moment, what I believe is that once you die you're gone and there is no more and that one day their will be no more anything. Some people think this, and along with it think, "well then what's the point, I might as well die.",  but that's not how I think about it. How I think about it is that, if there is no more and you only get so much time then why not live every moment to try and make yourself as happy as possible because it's your life and nobody else is going to experience things through your eyes or have to live with the decisions you make besides you. By the way I have no idea where this letter is going but I thought I might as well write it to you.

     Okay, so I have some pretty fucked up friends and I know that, but I didn't understand why they are so fucked up until very recently. They say they are afraid to be themselves because people might hate them, or people might leave them and they end up alone, or they feel selfish talking about their problems, which they are, but that's okay. I don't understand who or what has put the impression that being yourself is a bad thing in any aspect. I try and tell them whenever the topic arises that if somebody doesn't like you for who you are then they don't deserve you and you don't need them in your life. That you will only find the people who will truly accept you and make you happy if you are yourself from the start. If you're not, then you give them a false implication of who you are so they eventually leave you when they realize you're not who they thought you were. I also tell them that change is inevitable and that's a good thing because if nothing ever changed you could never figure out what made you the happiest you can be. Then I realized who was putting the opposite thoughts into people's brains. It's you. Maybe not you specifically but influential adults in our everyday lives that have experienced a different world than the present one for a longer amount of time and try and ingrain the realities of past worlds on the children that are living in the presents one. 

     Adults try and tell us you can't wear that, or you can't say this, because people will judge you. But to be honest, I've gotten 10 times more judgment and felt 10 times more judged when around adults than people my own age. Of course kids will be kids and make fun of eachother and some people have it extremely worse than others but I think nowadays there are vast more kids who are empathetic and want other people to feel good about themselves. In the instance where a kid is insulting another there is almost always a third kid that will step in and support the bullied. If I were to go to school one day with no makeup, sweatpants, and a baggy hoodie, it's more likely that my mom will comment on how underdressed I am rather than people at school. Then, if I were to come to school the next day with, for example, a full face of makeup, a croptop, and shorts, I would most likely get compliments from my peers and judgment from the adults in my life. Okay now there is the point that people are just complimenting me because they want to get at me or something, but what most adults don't understand is that if we didn't feel comfortable in those clothes than we wouldn't wear them. Most people that wear clothes like that aren't clueless to the fact that what they are wearing affects others. But that's not my problem. As long as I feel comfortable in what I am wearing than who is an adult to tell me I can't wear that. The truth is I feel a thousand times more self conscious around adults. I feel like they are judging me on how I look and not who I am.
The other day I put on a full face of makeup just because I felt like it.  I wasn't planning on going anywhere or doing anything besides sit on my bed and watch Youtube. I just felt like doing it and I felt confident in it so I sent pictures to a couple of my friends via snapchat, with it on and they all complimented me greatly. They weren't saying that it was better than how I normally look or anything backhanded, just that it looked good, then I went downstairs and my mom immediately said "You're not wearing that to school" which I never had any intention of doing in the first place. I looked at her confused and told her I was never planning to. Then my housemate came in and saw it and said "I'm not digging the lip liner" to which I just smiled awkwardly and kept doing what I was doing. I then immediately went upstairs and wiped it off. Something that made me feel good and confident about myself was so easily destroyed by people who's opinions I value. My mom came into my room later and told me "you need to take of that makeup it looks weird." and laughed, I silently nodded, expressionless. Something that made me feel good about myself was instantly ruined by adults when it had been supported by my peers. I had never planned to wear it all the time or even to school for that matter but the fact that important adult figures in my life made it seem like an atrocious thing made me so self conscious and unhappy with something that had previously made me feel good.

      So now I understand why my friends hate themselves so much. It's because of the judgment they might receive. The judgement that parents believe to be from other teenagers which in reality only comes from themselves. When adults say to their kids "Oh, you can't wear that, it's to slutty" or "You can't say that other people will judge you" or "You can't hang around those people they will bring you down." They don't realize how big of an impact those words have on their children. All those sentences all those judgements, they are hearing them from their significant adult figure first. They never hear them from the people who will supposedly say them because they change due to the adults words first. This makes it so they are never able to react to somebody else's judgement and know how they feel about it or what to do when it might happen. Now they're just constantly on their toes and trying to conform to other people rather than being themselves. Parents also don't realize that when they insult their child's friends it has such a big impact. People who they actually feel comfortable around and love are now being put down and the kid can do nothing to defend themselves because their parent is already behind every wall.

      Okay so now I'm here and I don't know what all that was besides a rant or what it was supposed to do. I guess I just wanted to tell you this is how kids feel at this age if you ever decide to have children. Just know that your opinion really does matter as much as it might seem like it doesn't. I also want to thank you for being a person that was involved in my life and decided to stick around. Thank you for never judging me nor my friends, or at least it never felt like you were.

Sincerely,

Molly Lee