Chapter 19: Tearful Night

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TW: SA / Self-harm

Daryl & I are told to stay off our feet and rest. They offer me the RV to rest in and I accept to use it for just a few nights. I get stir crazy cooped up in a bed all day and wander out to the group to join them for dinner. After I finish eating, I ask Shane to stop by so I could talk to him about something. He nods and I leave, waiting for him to finish his food. I keep myself busy reading an old book I found lying around. The door to the RV knocks and I tell him to come in, "oh, it's you" I say when I see Daryl.

"Expecting someone else?" he asks as he walks up to the 2 steps.

I hum back, "mmmm.. no. What's up?" I ask quickly.

He shakes his head, "bout' what happened the other day.. with Merle and all" he trails off.

"What about it?" I question, not sure what he wants.

"Let's not mention that to nobody, kay?" He tells and asks me at the same time.

I tilt my head, "why would I?" I ask curious to why he thinks I'd do that.

He shrugs, "you seem all buddy, buddy with Shane and Rick." he thinks out loud, "maybe you'd tell em I was crazy or somethin, when really it's no one's damn business." He gets defensive.

"I wasn't planning on saying anything" I inform him, "besides, I was seeing things too.." I trail off, reminding him he wasn't the only one the heat and loss of blood was getting too.

"Ya, right." he nods, "and you wouldn't want no one findin' out about Joanna Beth now, would ya?" He threatens to tell others.

Anger runs through me, threatening to tell everyone about someone he doesn't even know about, "there you go, always thinkin' about yourself!" I yell loudly to him.

"Thinkin' bout myself?" He asks stepping a bit closer, "you kiddin' princess?" His eyes darker than before, "I've done nothin' but watch your back since you got here and I'm thinkin' bout myself? Pffft" he turns and leaves the RV, slamming the door behind him. My mouth hangs open with awe as he leaves me there speechless.

I try and keep reading but I'm to frustrated and end up staying on the same page for awhile, getting distracted with my thoughts each time I try to start it over again. I put the book down when the door knocks and I answer it this time, not wanting to let Daryl in if it's him again. "it's me" Shane says lowly.

I open the door and move aside allowing him to come in, "Hi" I breath out when he's squeezing past me, his hand brushing against my waist, the smell of booze coming from his breath.

He sits at the table, placing his knife on top of it and looks at me blankly, "so.." he says to me with a blank stare, "what'd you need?" he asks.

"I uhh.. wanted to talk to you about something" I say, not sure how to bring it up. His eyes open wider, waiting for me to continue, "are you still planning on leaving?" I ask him. He shrugs in response, not giving me a clear answer, "ohh..well if you were I was hoping you'd reconsider" I get out.

"Why?" He asks, his eyes changing.

"Well, I just think we need you here.." I say to him.

He stands up and comes closer, "we

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He stands up and comes closer, "we.. or you?" he leans down to kiss me.

"Shane, stop, not now." I try and push him off of me with a smile and a laugh. I'm flattered but not in the mood. He continues to try and kiss me, pushing me against the wall, "Shane.. come on" I argue, still pushing at him to get away.

"What? you wanna invite me in here and just talk? Come on now Darlin'. A man's got needs" he says before trying again, moving his hand to my shirt.

He manages to get under it and fondles me as I try and push him away, "Shane, please" I spit, worried he's not listening. I fight some more which only makes him more forceful. He pushes me towards the bed and falls down on top of me, his hand making it's way towards my pants.

"Now don't fight, you've been sending me signals since you got with us" he mutters in a heavy breath.

"Stop! You're drunk!" I push his hand away but he just pushes it further down, "knock it off!" I manage to get a leg up and kick him in the groin.

"Damn it, Sadie!" He grunts, holding my hands and keeping me on the bed. I think I hear a knock on the door and I try to call out but Shane covers my mouth quickly, "beat it!" He shouts to whoever it is. Whoever was there doesn't knock again and Shane continues to cover my mouth, trying to get my pants off. I kick at the wall, trying to get anyone's attention so he'll stop. As I kick I try to wriggle my hands free form his grip, I manage to get one out, and I use it to push at him to get off of me. The door to the RV opens in a rush and Shane jumps off of me, "I said, beat it!" He growls looking away from me. I move around Shane pulling at my shirt and past Daryl, grabbing my bag at the door and running out from the camp, "damn it, Dixon, can't you catch a clue" I hear Shane mutter to him before I'm gone into the night.

I make my way to a small pond area we came across right off the farm the other day when we were searching for Sophia. I figured this is a good a place as any to sit and do what I want to do. I ruffle through the backpack, not finding it. I dump the contents out next to me, needing to find it quickly, disdain and hate setting in fast. The rusty blade stands out among the contents once out on the ground and I take a hold of it. I roll up my sleeves so I can release my pain, "don't do it" Daryl's voice comes out from behind me.

I exhale deeply, "go away, Daryl."

"Don't do it Sadie-Mae." He repeats.

I turn my head around and see his shadow in the night, his bow and arrow strung and ready to shoot, "what are you gonna do, shoot me?" I mock before turning my head back to the small flooding water, "leave me alone, please?" I ask softly.

But he doesn't, instead he sits next to me on the damp ground and places the bow at his feet, "not until you gimme that" he nods his head down at the blade resting in my hands.

I shake my head no, changing the subject, "what were you doing there?" I raise an eyebrow curious. He left so angry I didn't think I'd see him till morning.

He scratches at the back of his neck, not looking at me when he answers, "I uhh.. I'm not very good at this.." He tries to say.

"At what?" I ask confused.

"Apologizin'" he spits out quickly looking at me. I open my eyes wide, not what I was expecting and he looks down at the ground again, "it's none of my damn business neither who that girl is" he shakes his head.

"Thanks and it's alright. I'm just not used to hearing her name anymore. So I get really guarded when I do" I say out loud not really sure why I told him that.

"You wanna talk bout it?" He asks, I'm assuming trying to comfort me.

I shake my head and tell him, "no" and he just silently let's it slip away in the night. "But thank you for apologizing. Your timing couldn't have been more perfect"

"He do somethin' to you?" His voice is low when he asks this. From where my eyes are looking I can see his hands clench in the dirt.

"Nothin' I couldn't handle" I say back. I try to hold back the overwhelming feeling of crying then. Realization setting in with what almost happened. I couldn't handle it, not really, he was too strong for me to fight back. A sob comes out of me and I use my hand to cover my mouth, to prevent more from escaping.

It's too late though, "Sadie-Mae?" He says my name in a gentle, soft way he hasn't before and everything releases. I turn my head quickly into his shoulder, his shirt soaking up my tears. One hand rests on his chest as the other clenches at the shirt in the back. When I feel him tense up from my touch I go to pull away, not wanting to make him uncomfortable, "you're iight" he says as I do, putting one hand on my back to let me know I can stay and cry on his shoulder as long as I need. And that's exactly what I do.

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