Angel (Fuenciado)

Chapter 30: Flawless Tragedy

Jaime is lovely enough to drop me off at Clover's office and even offers to walk me in - but, unable to figure out which situation would make me more anxious, I tell him to go and get breakfast. So I put my headphones in and play my music as loud as I can without totally perforating my eardrums, shove my hands in my pockets so people don't see them shaking and walk as tall as I can into the building - although I've never felt smaller.

I have to tell her I cut, today. If Mike and Jaime weren't backing me I think I'd cave in and hide it. Even now, when I'm just walking up the stairs I can feel my left arm tingling. Almost tingling with nerves.

Third Eye Blind blasts through my head phones as I turn into the reception area at the top of the stairs. I'm early again. The receptionist nods and smiles at me, and I return the gesture. She's come to know me by face now and doesn't have to take my name - so I just sit down on the sofa and clasp my hands together, looking around the foyer with twitchy, nervous eyes.

After ten minutes of fidgeting and having a lump in my stomach, Clover's door finally opens and a girl with blonde hair and green eyes wearing a Summer dress strolls out, actually smiling. As she and Clover say goodbye, I yank my headphones out and wrap them around my phone before shoving it in my pocket. The girl leaves, and Clover smiles at me. "Morning."

"Hi," I reply, and note my voice has risen about an octave, and so work to bring it down. I walk into her office before her.

"Now before I forget," Clover says as I take a seat and she goes behind her desk to a draw, "I have something to give to you."

She rummages through her desk draw for a while and I turn my head to the Pierce the Veil poster on the wall. Tony stands there, tall and proud. Silently, I appeal for his support. If I imagine it well enough, I can almost feel him sitting beside me. If I don't look, I can pretend he's there.

"Aha!" She exclaims finally, producing a stack of A5 card bound by an elastic tie and handing them to me before sitting down. "There. The developed photos from your disposable cameras."

"Oh!" I exclaim, and I'm about to take off the band, but she stops me.

"Look at them later. In your own time, when you aren't under scrutiny. We can talk about them next week."

"Right," I nod, and slip the pictures into my backpack. Then there's a long silence between us, and it seems to seep deep into my lungs and stomach. The nerves have made a quick comeback.

"I'm sensing," Clover says slowly, gently, "that you're quite anxious today. Your shoulders are hunched over and you're gripping your hands together."

I nod and run my tongue over my lips - my entire mouth seems to have turned dry. "Yeah. That's not a lie."

"What are you anxious about?"

I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment. Mike told me to dig deep. To find that courage he said is always inside me...And I'm trying. And I'm scared.

"Um..." I start eventually. "There's something I need to talk to you about..."

My voice trails off. Clover allows me a moment to compose. "It's okay. I have all the time in the world."

"I made a mistake," I say, very softly, although to me my voice is far too loud, so I tone it down even more. "I just...wasn't thinking, and I felt so empty and terrible, and scared of things...And I felt trapped."

"Okay," Clover says calmly as I become increasingly distressed. "Don't rush yourself."

I swallow and put my hands together, leaning my head forwards and closing my eyes. It's okay. It's all okay. It's all going to be okay.