Dead & Gone (DARAGON)

Nothing compares to you ~

Patrick and I walked slowly down the
road, side by side in the moonlight, the
air a mix of chilly ocean and eucalyptus
forest. We didn't have a destination in
mind. All I knew was we were heading
north, away from Jacob's house, toward
the city. We walked for a long while
without speaking.

"That was impressive," he said after a
while, finally break-ing the silence. "I
wasn't sure you had it in you, Cheese
Puff."

I forced a smile. "I was pretty awesome,
if I do say so myself."

Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that
things hadn't turned out like they were
supposed to. On one hand, I knew I
should've felt really good about scaring
the hell out of Jacob. And I knew I
should've felt some sense of relief, or
finality. After all, I'd just made him look
like a total freak in front of most of our
junior class and a bunch of his sister's
friends from Stanford.

None of it had made a difference. I was
still stuck in this stupid place, and I still
wasn't any closer to getting home. I
guess part of me had been hoping Jacob
might have had a change of heart.
Hoping that maybe he'd realized just
how badly he'd messed up. How
completely idiotic he had been to throw
away someone as good as me.

But he hadn't.

Instead, all he had been thinking about
was her. Another girl. Someone prettier,
funnier, sillier, and who was I kidding,
probably more boob-tastic than I'd ever
be. Someone who "got him" in a way I
never would. Someone who, I couldn't
help wishing, would break his heart just
as much as he had broken mine.

"Love sucks, huh?" said Patrick.

I nodded. "Yeah. It does."

He put his arm around my shoulder.
"It'll go away. This feeling, I mean.
You'll forget all about him before you
know it."

I stopped walking. "What if I don't want
to forget?"

I sank down to my knees. I'd been so
stupid to believe that he had loved me.
I'd been so wrong to think that showing
up at his sister's Halloween party would
change what had happened between us.
That it would prove anything. There was
nothing I could have done differently.
Nothing I could change. The letters in my
headstone were not temporary. They had
been carved to last a lifetime. They had
been carved to last forever.

AUBRIE ELIZABETH EAGAN

FRIEND. DAUGHTER. ANGEL.

FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS.

NOVEMBER 1, 1994—OCTOBER 4,
2010

I felt it then. I knew it for real. I wasn't
coming back. I'd been living in a fantasy
world full of promises that someday,
somehow, I'd return to my old life. A
life that would be waiting for me with
open arms. Full of hope and laughter and
love and second chances. But the truth
had finally caught up with me, just like
Patrick said it would. And it wasn't fair.

Patrick sat down next to me. I watched
him reach into his faded jeans pocket
and pull out the crumpled-up napkin—
the one from Slice—where he'd written
down a list of words. He bit the cap off
his pen and unfolded the napkin. Then,
without meeting my eyes, he carefully
crossed the first word off the list.

Denial

I tried so hard to fight the tears, but they
came anyway. "Why me?" I screamed up
to the sky. "WHY? What the hell did I do
to deserve this? To deserve any of
this?!" I collapsed against him, sobbing.
Hot, angry tears pouring out of me and
into the sandy, soggy ground.

"It's okay," said Patrick, his voice soft
and serious. For once. "I'm right here."

He let me cry into his lap for I don't
know how long, right below a giant
redwood tree on the edge of Highway 1.
He stroked my hair. Told me everything
would be okay. The stars were all out,
twinkling and shining, and the ground
had grown damp beneath us. I felt him
lean back and slowly unzip his jacket.

He placed it over me, and I snuggled in
even closer. I was so angry and upset I
could hardly keep my eyes open, like a
little kid after a temper tantrum.

"I bet," I whispered, "once upon a time,
you made someone really, really happy."

If Patrick answered me, I didn't hear
him.

I had already fallen into a dark, distant,
stormy sleep.