White Houses During Christmas

Chapter 3: Silent Night

And so came the night before the big day. The family was together having dinner at our house. Even our friends and their kids showed up; Jenny was here with Johnny and little Samantha, Selena and James even came, as well as Justin's parents and grandparents.

Even if he wasn't with us that night, I knew my dad was watching us from heaven. And as I looked up at his favorite star, the North Star, that he pointed to me at every Christmas Eve he used to tell me that, "Santa will use this star tonight to get to our house. If you ever feel lost, look up at the sky and see this star: you'll find your way." God, I miss him.

As I got chills in my body after thinking of our little Christmas tradition, I hugged myself tighter in my red turtleneck sweater. I let out a deep breath and continued watching the stars.

"Is everything okay, mommy?" I looked down and saw my daughter with worry in her eyes.

I smiled kindly at her. "Yes, sweetie, everything is fine."

"Then why are you standing here all alone. It's Christmas Eve."

"I know, I was just thinking about something." I shrugged.

"While looking at the stars?" She asked with curiosity in her eyes.

"Yeah." I said, then I had an idea. I held Nicole in my arms and pointed towards the North Star. "You see that star over there?"

She nodded. "The big star in the middle?"

I nodded. "You know who will use this star tonight?"

She shook her head.

"Think really hard about who's coming tonight."

"Santa!" She yelled in glee.

I laughed. "Yeah, Santa! Well, tonight, Santa will use this star and follow it all the way to our house."

"Wow, kind of like a sign?"

"Yeah, kind of like a sign." I nodded. "I want you to know, Nic, that whenever you feel lost and you don't know where you're going look up at the sky and see this star; you will soon find your way back home. To where you belong."

"Did you look up at the sky when you were lost?"

"I did. Several times, actually. When my mom went to Heaven, I was really sad. I didn't know what I was doing anymore, and after looking up at the sky and seeing this star I came to realize that I had to take care of my dad now that my mom had left us."

"Do you miss your mommy?" She asked.

With tears in my eyes, I nodded. "I do, I miss her very much."

She hugged me tight by the neck. "No, mommy don't cry!"

I tried to hold back the tears that were asking to come out as I looked back at my daughter, kissed her forehead and together we went back to where the people were. She walked over to her best friend, Samantha, while I grabbed my coat and walked over to the bench in the garden.

As I sat down in the bench, something inside of me stirred. I suddenly felt sick; the smells around me, that were once so nice and warm, suddenly sickened me. I became deeply aware of the smell of the turkey being cooked and felt nauseous. I tried to ignore the feeling, but it was becoming much more intense by the passing minutes. I rushed inside the house and towards the bathroom and threw up.

After getting rid of the nausea and cleaning up, I looked at myself in the mirror.

What was happening?

I didn't feel any different this morning, and surely didn't feel nauseous up until a few moments ago, so I couldn't be pregnant because that wasn't morning sickness. I couldn't be pregnant. But that "what if?" kept running through my head through the night, not allowing me to enjoy Christmas Eve dinner with our family and friends.