homecoming. | EDITING

fifty

Two days in this house have been agonizing.

It's like my boyfriend completely forgot the harsh words he spat at me, and he thinks he's my guard dog or something.

He continuously says that it's better if I stay here for a couple days instead of going back to work. He wants to make sure that no incident like this ever happens again.

A part of me just thinks he's being a control freak but another part of me thinks that he's doing this because he's guilty.

Justin knows I'm upset with him, I've barely said anything to him. I'm not purposely ignoring him, I just haven't been myself lately.

When Jeff was arrested my silliness was forced, just to show that my boss didn't affect me. But in reality, it did.

That moment replays through my mind, and I keep having the what if moments.

Then I think about Justin's words he spat at me, and it makes matters worse. I seriously think I need to get some professional help and talk to someone who won't judge me or blame me or even call me a dumbass because of the predicament I was in.

If I try to talk to Justin he will:

A. Try to make me feel guilty. Example: "I'm sorry, babe. Forgive me, I was so fucking wrong and I didn't know you were hurt I love you -"

B. Try to turn the situation on me.
Example: "We're still on this? Why are you still even thinking about this? I thought we were over it."

Or C. Say some other dumb bullshit.
Example: Do I even need to use one?

I want nothing more than to be the happy couple that used to DM each other on Instagram again, but it's like he's a completely different person.

Hearing him blame me for almost getting raped and then calling me a dumbass for it was hurtful, almost degrading.

Yeah, he was probably mad because I've got attitude issues, that's true. But he did go a little overboard, especially when I was apologizing when he said it.

I don't know if that nigga was drunk, but I just don't want to end up wasting so many years of my life with someone who says shit like that.

"Jada-" my thoughts were interrupted. I sat up,"What is it, Justin?"

"Are daughter is starting to actually worry about you. Are you alright? Cause I can't answer her if I don't even know the truth."

"I'm fine."

"Have you been crying?" His eyes widened,"You're not pregnant, are you?"

I shook my head,"No."

How can I tell my boyfriend that I feel miserable and down because of my ex boss's actions and my boyfriend's words? "Then what's wrong? You've been locked in here for 2 days."

"Maybe because I can't go outside," I finally snapped. He looked taken back. I know he wasn't expecting that cause even I wasn't.

"Baby," he sighed,"We're just being cautious."

"Why do you need to be cautious if you feel like it was my fault?" I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. Don't cry, Jada. Don't cry.

"Are you sure you aren't pregnant? You're hormonal, why are your eyes watery?" He reached out to touch my face and I slapped his hand.

"I'm not hormonal, I'm hurt, stupid!"

"What?"

"I didn't forgive and forget, Justin. I've tried so hard to forgive, cause I'm sick of being the one to start all the problems in this relationship, but it's like it won't leave my head."

"Slow down," he said,"What won't leave your head?"

"You blaming me for all of this," I said, my voice cracking, and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. "You don't know how I felt at that moment, Justin. His rough hands touching me, his disgusting lips and spit making contact with my body. I was terrified, and I wanted nothing more than for you to save me," I was crying.

His face fell. "Jada-"

"This situation fucked me up way more than it should've, and then to hear you say it was my fault? When I tried to shrug it off and apologize, though! That hurt me, Justin, and I'm fucking sick of my hiding my emotions all because I'm afraid of what you'll say. At the end of the day, I matter. I'm going fucking nuts."

"... I didn't know," was all he said. I took a deep breath,"Of course you didn't." It felt good to break down, but I hope I didn't do it for no reason.

"Tell me how to fix this. What do you want me to do?" He was rambling and he covered his face with his shirt when he started crying,"I was just mad, we all say stupid shit when we're mad. I didn't mean to damage you."

I wanted to hold him while he cried, but the only thing I could do was cry with him. Not for him, but for me.

Right now, I was my top priority.

"I need my own space, J." I finally spoke. He sniffled and wiped his face. "You're leaving me?"

"I'm not done with you, if that's what you mean," I said,"I need some time for me. Recollect myself."

"And how long is that gonna be?" He asked softly. "As long as it takes."

I grabbed my keys and stood and he stood with me. I walked out and found Khaila and hugged her tightly. "I love you, baby. Can you be a big girl and spend the night with daddy alone?"

She sat up,"You're not staying?"

I shook my head,"No sweetheart. Mommy's got business to take care of, and I'll be back for you in the morning."

"Promise?"

I locked pinkies with her,"Promise."

Justin walked me to the door and I took a deep breath. "I'll see you soon, Justin."

"I love you, Jada. And you may not ever forgive me, but I am sorry. I need to watch what I say."

I nodded,"I know you are." I kissed his forehead and walked to my car.