Always With You

Finding Time

I don't care what anyone tells you. Loving someone is the most difficult thing you'll ever do. Especially if you can't see them.
"I'm done talking about this, Chris. Bye"
"Why do you always do this? You literally saw me a few hours ago. How on earth do you still think, after all this time, that I'd do something like that?"
"I said Bye"
"Why do you keep doing this?"
"......"
"Sabrina...."
"Just leave me alone!"
This is basically how it goes. The sad thing is that I had almost no control over what happened. You see, I'm currently in trouble for taking Sabrina to a grad party and, unbeknownst to me, my psychotic ex was invited. Being the dumbass I am, I suggested we stay anyway, ignoring the death glare that was most likely contemplating on whether or not it was worth punching me in the nose. And now we're arguing over text about whether or not I planned the whole situation. I don't blame her. The circumstances don't exactly create a great deal of trust between two people. You see, Sabrina's a grade level above me, and I've basically spent my whole senior year seeing her once a week at the most. Imagine being away from someone that often, all the things they do without you, the people they can meet. Neither one of us feel entirely secure at this point. Most nights when we get heated over this, I'll try to push for a resolution, because the thought of going to bed upset with each other terrifies me. It usually works. We tell each other we love each other, say goodnight, and the next morning we're planning date night. But some nights it gets so bad that she actually makes me mad at myself.
"Alright....goodnight....I love you...."
"Bye"
There it is. I call it the dagger. You'd think I'd like able to shake that off. But not a lot of people love me. At least not that I can see. So there are times where I need to hear her say those three simple words. Otherwise I forget why I wanted to be awake in the first place.
I lay down on my bed. This should all be better after a good nights sleep, right? Wrong. Because no matter what anyone thinks of me, I truly am my own worst enemy. And nights like this are where the voice in my head remind me of that.
Dumbass!
You're only getting what you deserve!
You keep making these same mistakes, and you make it worse when you forget to shut your mouth!
Why is she even with you??
.....why do you even keep trying.....
And so I lay there and drown in my thoughts. At this point I've given up on sleeping tonight and I honestly don't believe I deserve to. Because loving someone is the most difficult thing you'll ever do. Especially if that someone is me.