Sociopathic Tendencies

06. Narcissistic

We are so confidant in our self that we cannot fathom any weakness. It's actually very complicated yet so, so simple. And the only way I can find to explain to you how it all works is through a story.

I haven't broke his heart yet. But I will. No matter how hard I try I cannot feel the things I know I should. He is perfect for me, he helps calm me down, he knows what I am. But within just two days I now know he doesn't understand what I am.

It all started when I was very young. I don't really remember when. But I have always had a lack of fear. Well, not lack of fear, as I am afraid of many things. It just so happens that death is not one of those things. You see, things that are dangerous, they excite me. And as it turns out, death is his biggest fear.

I will never understand the fear of death. What is it that scares them so? Maybe it is the unknown, maybe they are so content that they cannot fathom change. Or maybe more than anything it is not death that scares them but pain. AS someone who cannot feel most pain, I will never understand. And I do not wish to.

We were going fast, not as fast as I'd like to go, but fast. He was screaming, telling me to stop the motorcycle. I could practically feel his fear radiating off him. He was just so afraid. And the worst part of it all? I enjoyed his fear. I lived off of it. I liked being in complete control over his life. We flew over rocks, and all I could feel is power, drunken on it. Eventually I did slow down, I told him how sorry I was and he forgave me, as I lied and said I thought he was joking. I wasn't sorry, and I knew exactly how scared he was.

But he forgot for a small time. Until the next day. We were on a horse ride. It was in the middle of nowhere and we were all by ourselves. I was already frustrated at him for he had no clue how to truly control the horse. It angered me you see, his incompetence. I had long ago left the trail, for I knew exactly where I was. I think he trusted me on the directions. But when it came to going down a "steep" mountain, his fear kicked in. I told him what I have told many, many others. The horse knew what he was doing, it knew where it was going, he was going to be fine. He could not hear me over the sound of his own fear. He even yelled. Eventually I gave in, I found a different way down.

And once again I told him how sorry I really was. And we fought, until I talked him down. And he forgot, again. But I have not. Maybe once I felt something, but now I cannot feel anything for the boy who fears death, and fears me.

I don't know what to do. He is one of two people that I have told myself that I have let in. But I am lying to myself. I have only let one person in, and I don't think I will ever find another.

I do fear. I fear that she will leave me. I fear I will let others see who I really am. But I do not fear death. I am more familiar with death than I am with myself.

Now I will smile, and pretend again. Let others think they will know me, think that they do. But you will always be here. Telling me the truth. I trust you, for you are no one.

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