Autism Notes

Part 7

"Bastian..." My father said blankly, no emotion present in his voice.

I couldn't breath. I was unable to speak. I stood there like an imbecile waiting for my punishment. I was fearful, but strong. I looked up at him, and exhaled deeply.

"You do not call me 'Bastian' you do not have that privilege anymore."

"WHAT? I am your father Bastian. I love you. We played ball together, we have so many great memories together..." He began to cry, but it was just an act to win back my sympathy

"Love? .. You call love lying to your child's face and letting him go through life like a weirdo? Letting him go through life not knowing there was something deeply wrong with him?

That's LOVE to you?!

"I've been walking around for half of my life, different than everybody else around me, and there was never an explanation? The reason I am afraid to be touched. The reason I will never have a normal life... Is you. And you say you LOVE me? What is love to you?!"

"We.. we chose not to tell you because we didn't want to make it worse on you! We didn't want you to have to go through life with anymore problems. I know it was the wrong thing to do... But we thought we were right..." My father sighed with sadness. Maybe he was sorry, but I felt no emotion other than pure hatred toward this man. I kept my eyes on him though, I wasn't going to be fooled by his devious burdens.

"I could have had a fully functional life. You could have put me into classes that were specified for me! You don't love me! You don't!" I had to hold back my fists, my adrenaline was boiling beneath my skin, I was about to let loose on this man, I saw his face grow old every time he lied. It must be a side effect of his Delirium.

My mother had been quiet this whole time, she had stopped crying but was still visually unnerved by all of this. I give much credit to my mother for not getting a divorce. I couldn't stand to live with him.

"Sebastian... I..." My father stopped, he was unable to look at me when he spoke now. I emotionally left a scar on him. Take that mister master psychologist.

"No. You were going to have me go through all my life, without having any knowledge of this. I don't even CARE what you think, I don't care that you were trying to help me! I can never have a girlfriend... No friends and that's abnormal for a 20 year old!!! I should be out crashing parties! But no! My father thought he was showing true integrity by keeping my autism a secret and doing absolutely nothing about it!!!" My face was turning red, and I began to sweat and my father reached out for me, completely forgetting that I physically cannot be touched. I slowly backed away, holding my breath and I bumped into the tree and fidgeted.

"Sebastian, you alright?" My father actually looked concerned about me.

"Of course I'm not alright!" I looked at him with disgust and stampeded away. I didn't want anything to do with this man anymore. I abhorred him as much as he did me. As I walked away I began to weep, and my father stood there like an idiot. Not a single normal parent would let their own flesh and blood come home to undiscovered sorrow. Well... I knew about it, my parents didn't.

Finally I heard a "Sebastian stop!" Come from Kevin. I'm not acknowledging him as my father ever again. Kevin came over to me, my mother still hooked into his arm like a small child. I glared back at him, and kept walking away and then I halted but was turned away from them.

"I won't be back by the way." I told them both.