Autism Notes

Part 8

I saw the rest of my family along the side fence if our yard, spectating the event.

"I wouldn't ever want to face the people who kept a lie from me all my life. I don't want to be associated with any of you anymore." I stood up confidently and turned to them.

"I don't want a family who is always going to lie to my face." I wiped a tear from my left eye.

"I don't want a family who I have to think twice if they are lying or telling the truth. I don't want to be treated differently because I'm autistic. I'm not different. I will never be different. The one who's different is Kevin. He did this to me. He enabled me to be susceptible to all of the trauma I put myself into by coming home for thanksgiving.

I returned to school before our break was over, I had no other choice. I refused to be around my "family". The last thing I needed was to let the stress of my disability get the better of me and interfere with my school work. But it was easier said than done, for the remainder of the week I felt my concentration and work ethic slip. I didn't feel like myself anymore; after all of this time I thought my great brilliance was some kind of gift. Little did I know it was a mental disorder... had the signs been clearer to me I think I would have taken my own steps towards managing this problem, but they weren't. They were hidden from me like some sort of morbid game, and at the heart of the problem it was a morbid game. All being orchestrated by Kevin and being played by me.

When the school year resumed in full swing, I began to fight through my lack of motivation the best I could. Despite my best efforts however, it seemed all for not. How could I possibly continue being the person I was before all of this? What's the point in trying to become something when your own parents ignorance have completely stunted your life from growing? It had been nearly a month since the incident with my family at Thanksgiving, my mother occasionally called me but I refused to answer. I sometimes worried about her though, having to deal with Kevin 24/7. I should help her file a divorce one of these days. During this time my professor Dr. Waterson noticed a dramatic decline in the quality of my work, he came to me at the end of one of the lectures and asked me to stop by his office. Reluctantly I made the trek down the hall from the classroom to his office, when I walked in he was sitting at his desk, looking at me with a stern stare.

"Sebastian" said Dr. Waterson

I looked directly back at him, "You asked to see me Dr. Waterson?"

"Yes, I've noticed a drop in your work as of late.. care to explain what has been troubling you?" He sat back in this chair, his fingers crossed over one another.

"I... I was looking over my notes on Autism right before the Thanksgiving Holiday Break... when I came across the section of notes on high functioning forms of Autism. One stuck out much clearer than the rest... Aspergers Syndrome... I couldn't quite put my finger on it at first but after going over it enough times and reading the symptoms... it was clear to me, I have Aspergers, I've had it my whole life and my parents never took the proper steps to help me manage it... Instead they hid it from me... I tried to confront them about it while I was on break but it just turned into a giant fight and now I don't ever want to see them again... I don't know see the point in going on with my major or my life... I'm never going to have the proper skills to manage in the real world... I'm a freak!" I collapsed forward in the chair I was sitting in, my head resting in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Sebastian... Look at me..." Dr. Waterson said softly

I gently lifted my head from my hands, streaks of tears down my cheeks clearly visible.

"It's tough for anyone to find out that they have some sort of mental disorder, and it's even worse when it's kept as a secret from them... I understand your situation Sebastian, I..." before he could finish I interrupted "No! You don't understand at all! I was lead into believing that I would have a chance to make something of myself! All of that has been taken from me!" "Sebastian!" Dr. Waterson fired back "I too have Aspergers syndrome, and it was kept as a secret from me as well! I can help you get your life back under control, I can help you.. you just need to trust in me." He reached his hand out for a handshake "I have a very high suspicion that you do not like foreign contact... I was the same way... if we want to work together and fix this problem before it gets any worse... I need you to shake my hand..."

I sat there staring at him, my jaw still hanging from what he had told me. My eyes widened as far as my eyelids would allow. The tears had already stopped... but I couldn't find it in me to reach out and shake his hand. After a few minutes however... I slowly raised my hand up and awkwardly pushed it out towards his. He didn't move. He was waiting for me to make the first move, I knew at that point... I could trust him. I reached forward more and more before finally I felt my hand press directly up against his. He began to close his hand to grip mine, but he didn't rush it. He left a very small window of time open for me to back out if I felt uncomfortable, but I had no urge to back out. I shook his hand... the first real foreign contact I had in years and for the first time I felt confident that I could overcome this. I looked Dr. Waterson directly into the eyes and said;

"I might not be able to make this go away.. but I can certainly fight through it.. so maybe one day I can."