Alex's pov-
I'm not pretty. I'm not skinny. I'm fat and ugly. No one needs to hide it anymore. I know. I thought of all this on my way to the bathroom to grab my special toothbrush, the one that's hidden. I never use this toothbrush to brush my teeth, that would be gross. I use it to gag myself. There I said it. I'm anorexic. Not many of my friends know but the ones that do treat me the same and I'm thankful for that. My mom and her boyfriend and my siblings treat me differently though. It's all the ever talk about and they are always telling me how I'm pretty and trying to get me out of my room. But it's always too difficult to leave my room, somedays I just sit in their and listen to some band on YouTube with my lights off and my window open and I sit on my bed right by my window and think.
As I make my way into the bathroom I quickly shut it and lock it, nobody even notices I'm gone. I grab my special toothbrush from its hiding place and sit down in between my bathtub and toilet and lift the seat up. I start to gag myself with my toothbrush and turn on music. I play this is gospel by panic at the disco. I play it on my speaker in my bathroom so no one will hear me.
Once I'm sure I have no food left in my system I wash my toothbrush put it back in my hiding place and grab my other toothbrush to brush my teeth. I quickly fix my makeup so that way my mom will think that was what I was doing. I grab my phone turn my music off and go to my room and turn my xbox on and launched YouTube.
I go to sit on my window to feel the warmth. Once YouTube is up I quickly remember what song I what to listen to. I choose please don't go the Luke Hemmings cover. As I sit there I think about how no matter how many times I gag myself it won't ever make me skinny enough and no matter how many times I cut myself I might never die. I could be stuck in this terrible place living this terrible life forever.
I listen to my love sing beautifully and when the song is done I put on his cover of Jersey by Mayday Parade. He's only 15 at the time when this video went up I think that this is the time when his voice was the most purest and angelic. That's the time when he sung alone without the tuner to make it sound smoother. It only makes it sound faker.
I love Luke Hemmings. I love the thought of him and him in general. He is the only reason I'm still alive right now. I tried to kill myself a couple nights ago and I was listening to his bands music and out of now where right when I was about to slice right through my veins in both my wrists his cover of Jersey came on and I dropped the blade. Cleaned my self up and cried myself to sleep right there on the floor.
I can't sleep that night I guess I have this package of problems. I mean I guess you can decide that for yourself so I'll list them. Ready. I have depression, anxiety, anorexia, I cut, my father abused me, I moved away from all my friends, I'm in love with someone who is six years older lives in Australia and doesn't even know I exist, I'm too tall, all the guys I've dated have either used me or cheated on me, I had to move away from my boyfriend and he is the only one who ever actually cared about me, my parents never pay attention to me, my only light in my life is Luke and even then it's about to fade away, I'm suicidal, shy, and also I have insomnia. Alright there you have it. I have problems. And I would rather not be here on this earth and be tortured anymore. I would rather just be in peace. Why won't anyone let me be in peace?
Don't get me wrong I'm very thankful for my family but I don't love any of them. I just can't. They are all stuck up, snobby, bitches, who treats me like shit and makes me feel worse about myself more everyday.
I try my hardest to sleep because I have school in the morning and have to be up at 6:00. Finally I fall asleep dreaming about getting out of this house. Away from all the people that have done me wrong.
