A/N hey I'm back wow I went through a lot so imma try and write this as accurate as possible. And also the 1st chapter was during the summer of 2016. So yeah.
I wake up the next morning with sharpie still all over my body. As I cut I wrote everything I hated about myself on my legs, arms, stomach, hands, and feet. And it covered my body.
I hate myself.
I went downstairs after using lots of makeup wipes to fade everything so nobody will see what it said.
As I get to the bottom of the stairs I can finally see into the living room as the rest of the stairs are blocked by a wall.
My "family".
I don't know who any of them are any more.
They don't know me either.
My mom hates me.
She doesn't abuse me physically. She's never let a hand on me.
But her words are worse than a bullet to my heart.
They are worse than death.
To give you an idea... "slut, fatty, fucktard, whore, skank, trash,
Regret, mistake.".... are all things she has called me. The worst thing she ever said to me was "I never loved you, I don't know who you are and if you ever keep growing up like this... well I don't know what will happen to you but I know that I won't want to know you." Exact words that I keep replaying in my head.
The people that live in my house that are related to me are all sitting on the couch laughing and watching tv.
Until one of my sisters sees me.
"Oh look who finally came out of her room, done crying you little baby" she asks me with cruelty laced in her words.
Everyone hates me.
Even I hate me.
I go up stairs and find my journal laying out open on the page with my suicide note. And it reads. (Actual note straight from my journal)
I want to be able to say I love you to someone and to be able to love someone but I can't. I want a family but I don't have one. A family is not the people you're related to it's people or possibly only one person who you can love and open up to, who you feel safe and comforted around. I had to learn the hard way that the people I live with is not my family and I'm not theirs. I'm only a regret, a waste of space, even a reason (or more) for regrets. I hate crying it makes me feel weak but right now as I write this I'm crying. And it's not because of what I got taken away, it's because of what I never had. Love. I'm not good enough, she told me herself. I'm not good enough and I'm a waste of space, I'm a regret, a reason for regret, I'm not pretty enough, I'm too fat. I know now that I must be extremely strong because of everything I have gone through. Call me selfish, but just know that this is my breaking point there is no going back now. I'm afraid for myself but every night that I layed awake worrying about everyone and everything is too much. I can't help being who I am. Everything I ever loved was taken away from me. My life long dream was to be an actress but the woman who birthed me wouldn't let me achieve it when I know I could've. My dream was to make a difference but I was only a burden. I'm sorry but I can't do this.
-Katelin Alexandra Boston
After reading through it again I put it away.
Hidden.
I properly put my blade away.
Hidden.
Like how I feel.
Hidden.
My real life.
Hidden.
I put on a brave face for school so that nobody will suspect a thing. And I guess it works cause everyone thinks I'm the happiest person alive. I don't act or even where anything to put off me being depressed.
And nobody knows.
Nobody needs to know.
Nobody wants to know.
Nobody cares.
Care.
That's a funny word.
So many people use the word care signaling that they "care for someone" or "care for something". When in reality they. Are. Lying.
And nobody knows it. It's sad really.
I know. Nobody cares for me.
So I go back to bed after turning YouTube back on and listening to my favorite band 5 seconds of summer.
I fall asleep.
It's been a while.
I have never had this good of sleep in forever.
I sleep all day long.
And of course nobody notices.
Why would they.
I'm just me.
Katelin
Alexandra
Boston.
A person who doesn't deserve to be cared about.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And I always thought that was how it was supposed to be until I moved houses.
Same city.
New house.
Bigger house.
New friends.
I guy who will be an amazing friend.
And a guy who will make me feel loved.
And then he will break my heart.
Multiple times.
I hate him now.
I used to love him.
He made everything better.
I was happy.
I slept.
I didn't cut. Or think about doing it.
And he tried his hardest to get me to eat.
And sometimes I did.
But then I threw up.
On purpose.
But he doesn't know.
And he won't ever.
A/N Goodnight.
