I can't count the number of times I have imagined myself, right here, with you. I've seen your fingers entwined in mine, me - looking out the window, you - headphones plugged in, eyes on me. Countless times has the image formed before my eyes, ready to come true, once I have you. I have pictured enumerable scenarios, made in the same breath, like you and me.
The winding road takes me away from my home, to someone else's. The grass is green, but not so dense. Sunlight streams through the partially curtained glass. Your song plays over and over, straining my ears, withering a part of my heart. You're all that's on my mind right now. The scene that plays out the window, is so monotonous, so...calming, just an endless array of trees and land. So much of empty land.
Each time I draw a breath, my winsome heart makes images of us in this place. I remember, the last time I was here, you and me existed together, in one sentence. I had liberally dreamt of having you by my side, dragging the back of my hand along the side of your face, popping that tiny dimple that formed on your left cheek whenever you smiled, watching your breath grow shallow as you fell asleep, and having you crack one lazy eye open when I told you that our stop was here. I don't what it says about me that I even saw a flicker of it in the future, thinking there was a chance still.
You haven't crossed my mind since the last time I wrote, but right now, I see you in every thing that catches my breath. I miss the sweet, drugging pulls of your voice, whispering to me things I could never fathom.
I'm only half awake, writing meaningless arrangements of syllables to your memory. The man in the seat beside mine peeps in my phone through the corner of his eyes as I write this. I need to stop loving memories, I realise suddenly.
But isn't there always that unspoken, unanswered question lurking behind - How do I unlove you? How can I not love a memory so cherished, so important, so beautiful?
There is such bittersweet beauty in this moment. I feel, know, I have grown. So many changes in me, still there is always you. How do I let you go? It seems as if we are tied together, inextricably bound. Wherever I turn, I see you.
I'm not aching, not tired, thinking of you. Rather I'm smiling, mixed emotions lifting up my spirits.
The scene is still the same, it is me that has changed. Words have that effect on me.
I do know where this train is taking me, I just wish it could take me back to the warmth of you.
