Letters from an Small-Town Freak

2

"What the flip were you thinking!?!?!" My Dad yells at me. "What the Hell Hannah?!? This is serious look at me!" His eyes are right on mine and I can see the spittle in his mouth. "Why did you do this Hannah?!?!" He spits my name like it's poison. I begin to speak but he cuts me off. "You complete idiot, child, stupid stupid stupid!"
"I... I'm sorry Dad, it was just a bit of fun and-"
"I don't care about your bloody excuses! It was dumb and stupid!"
"I know Dad I know!"
"No you bloody don't, I need to teach you a lesson, young lady!"
"But I'm fine. I knew not to, I just was being stupid!" I can feel the tears forming in my eyes.
"Why?!"
"I don't know Dad."
"WHY?!"
"I don't know!" And with the 'know' my voice cracks. "I don't know," I say again, quieter.
I think I see a flash of sorrow in his eyes, but maybe I'm imagining it. A moment of humaneness - a temporary lapse of anger. The thought that his daughter is worth something, however small. But then his face contorts back into the angry mask. He is looking down on me, eyes wide. I can't hold his gaze. I drop my head.
I know I've lost.
"Now go upstairs, to your room, dinners ready in half an hour!!" I pull my feet upstairs. I want to fly but I knew that would piss off my Dad even more so I don't. I just put my headphones in and lose myself in the music.
Forty minutes later, I am eating dinner with my parents, blanketed in an awkward silence. I scraped the beans off my plate, and it made a scratching sound. Mum chewed some broccoli. Dad sipped his water. Mum chewed some more. I finished, washed up, and retired upstairs.
•
When I was five, a guy came round. I don't remember much, but I remember him as short, stocky and fat. Rather like he had been formed and then God had reached His holy thumb down and squashed him flat. His voice was reedy and weak, and I listened to him say:
"I am Mr Stark and I am from Her Royal Majesty's Board of Education. It turns out little Hannah here isn't attending school." I hadn't the foggiest what school was, and I cocked my head in a manner that said: what-are-you-talking-about-I'm-mildly-confused. He looked back at me in a manner of: sweet-little-dear-innocent-child-come-to-school-like-a-good-little-girl. I was at the age, though, were Mum's speeches of 'never fly when someone outside our family is here' so I resisted the urge to glide up the stairs.
The little man barged his way into our house and set a little briefcase upon the kitchen table. He took out some papers and laid them down.
"Sign here, here and-" the man licked his finger and turns the page "Here."
Mum and Dad looked at each other and then Mum sighed.
"Here," pestered the man, getting increasingly agitated.
Mum uncapped the pen and get as far as putting it on the paper before the tears appeared in her eyes. The ink was bleeding through the paper, and I could see a little black rose appearing on the underside of the paper, from my position crouching in the corner. Mum bit her upper lip and signed quickly, then Dad gently took the pen from her and scrawled his name. Then, the guy went away and I started school the next week.
•
I phone Ava. I want to hear her voice. It goes to answer phone, and I listen to the sweet message from when she was in Year Seven and got her phone. "Hiya! It's Ava but I'm busy so I can't take your call! Sorry! Maybe try to message me, thanks, byeee!" Then there's laughter before she rings off. I try again and again until she answers.
"Hi!" she babbles.
I think I might have sighed in relief.
"Hi." I whisper.
"Hi!" she says again.
I smile at her voice.
"Hey, wassup?" she says now, sensing it.
"Parents," I mumble.
"Parents are shitty." Ava replies simply. "But they care, Han, they really do."
"I know, I know, but they're darn right arseholes now."
"What are they doing?"
"Yelling at me for yesterday,"
"Oh."
I stay silent, listening to her breathing on the end of the line. I curl my legs up to my chest and hug them close.
"That was..." she says eventually as my heart increases "Rather amusing."
I laugh, leaning my head back onto the wall.
"It was!" Ava insists. "The look on that woman's face was pure golden!"
"Yeah! I know! She was like, ermygahd am I hallucinating?"
"And after, when she just ran off..."
A gentle silence descends on us. It's comforting.
"Hey," I say.
"Yeah." Ava whispers.
"Can I go over tonight?"
"Yeah." I can hear Ava smiling. Visualise the corners of her mouth turning up. "I'm sure Mum'll be fine."
"Okay."
I pause.
"Thank you."
I pause again.
"I love you."