Illusion

chapter 36

I woke up next to Liam. He was still in his deep sleep. He evenly breaths, that dark brown hair and those eyes in which I search my world were closed.

What did I just do? I slept with Liam to erase my pain. I slept with the guy who cheated on me on my face. I didn't do that. I knew he would just ask me to leave and more possibly throw me out from my room. Its better I get dressed and leave with him noticing. A part of me was thinking that if I told him that what Anderson did to me. Would he touch me again? Would he feel this and whatever we had? Would he be disgusted by me? I think so.

I never thought all of it will come back in my life like this. I was past all of it. I never had dreams and one night I did. After Nisha caught Anderson, I wasn't able to speak for two months in terror. I never got to know whether Anderson was punished for his crimes or not.

I looked at Liam as a tear escaped my eyes. My eyes were dwelling tears and I wanted to stop. I rubbed it off gently as I leaned toward Liam kissing him on his lips saying goodbye.

"What were you thinking about?" He asked me suddenly opening his eyes. Wait you were not sleeping? I put both my hands on my face. Took a deep breath and then look at the most beautiful sight that anyone can ever see.

"That you will kick me out after you wake up, so I should leave myself," I replied honestly covering myself with sheets.

"Not that I was planning on it, I would never do that," he smiled at me as he kissed my lips tenderly and then kissing me on my forehead.

"Last time you kicked me out," I smiled.

"What were you thinking?" he asked again as he pulled me towards him and I put my head on his chest. I hugged him like this was the last thing I want to hold. I wanted to be so close to him. He kissed me on the top of my head, "Tell me."

"I was thinking if you will feel the same if I tell you something that I have kept myself away," I said hugging him closely, "Will you look at me the way you do when I will tell you this. I never wanted to tell this to anyone."

"Tell me," he said kissing me again on my forehead, "Let me know all the parts of you." He said rubbing my back and I could feel his beautiful breaths. His smell was all I needed to be devastated. I stood up and sat upright covering myself in sheets. I decide not to look at him while I pour him the truth.

I looked away so that I didn't see him in the eyes. I kept quiet for few seconds then I took a deep breath.

"He would bring me chocolates and tell me to follow him in the room. I was a kid and I would follow him blindly" I hesitated, "He would trail his hands all over my body. He would lock me in the bathroom if I ever try to tell anything to anyone. He would slap me and spank me. He would ask me to undress myself so that he could look at me. He would then touch me at each and every place. I would cry in fear but he made sure I made no noise because of the piece of that cloth he would put into my mouth." I told I didn't want to look at Liam. I didn't want him to judge me. I hugged myself deeper. The open wounds that might never heal.

"I was so afraid of him and after sometime I stopped talking to everyone. He would put his dirty hands all over me twice a week. I would cry in fear only my voice wouldn't reach any of the members. And one day when he thought it's time to rape me he made sure Nisha wasn't home. I was grateful that she forgot her papers that day as she saw me naked on the couch and Anderson pulling out clothes off from me," a tear escaped my eyes as I continued, "I was so afraid of him what he might just do. I was thirteen when all this happened. Nisha loved him so deeply that she ignored me. She wouldn't hear a word against him. I kept on trying and telling her that Anderson was doing this to me only she wouldn't believe and saw one day."

Liam couldn't say anything. I was crying now. He was the first person apart from Nisha, Kate and Jack who knew my story. I didn't even know why I told him all of this. I got up because I knew he would regret all of this. Meeting me and hanging around in New York like a hand candy. I wiped my eyes and covered myself with sheets. I went in the bathroom where I completely break down. He didn't say anything. Not a word. __________________________

"I'll see you in the office," I told him wearing my clothes. I couldn't look at his eyes. I couldn't tell him how much hurt I was. I regretted telling him this. He must feel so disgusted to have making love with a girl like me. I didn't look at him. I couldn't.

I went out from his room to kitchen to drink water. I opened the fridge and served myself some water. I drank it impatiently. I was so disgusted with myself. Why do I have a weakness for this guy? Why does everything just spill out from my mouth like if I somehow knew that he would understand? That I knew he would make some efforts to let everything away from me. I drank another glass of water as I put the bottle back in fridge. I moved towards the door stopped by a strong hand pulling me closer towards him and pulling me in a hug.

"I am so sorry," he whispered hugging me even tightly and rubbing my back gently, "I am so sorry," he said again. His voice was cracking. Was he crying? I was crying, "Forgive me." he buried his head on my neck and my hands were on his waist. "I am sorry Ria."

I sobbed even harder now. He rubbed his fingers through my hair only pulling me closer to him. He came back to me. We ended the hug as he put his hands over my shoulders looking at me. I couldn't look at him in the eyes. Maybe I was ashamed. I was afraid.

"Look at me," he asked me so beautifully that I couldn't resist looking at his beautiful deep blue eyes, "Let me be your day dream, let me heal you. Let me erase every touch that he had ever had on you. Give me a chance."

"What if you break my heart?" I asked foolishly yet the most honest person I could be right now, "I won't be able to take it again. I will break down, Liam."

"I did have sex with Emily," he confessed, "Because these things started happening to me. You were the only thing I could think about. I actually felt something for you and you were just the project. You were never supposed to come close to me, but you were the closest thing I ever had. I wanted to forget you and Emily came and we had drinks..." he paused, "I was lost. She tricked me and controlled me."

I kept quiet. I waited for him to say more. That he never wanted her sent sighs of relief and joy. The truth and the lie he was knotted him makes me breathe evenly. I sighed and took a deep breath.

"I was falling for you Andria," he said taking his hands off my shoulders and turning around and walking some steps away from me. I held his wrist stopping him wanting to know more.

I wanted him to haunt me with his love.

"I love you." The words were out of my mouth before I could give it one more thought. "I know this is crazy and totally crazy," I mumbled finding right words to say. He was facing the other side. I went closer to him as I hugged him from the back. My head was buried to his strong back and hands revolving around his chest holding so tightly to let go. "I know, I am such a fool to say out these words. I will completely understand if you don't want me or this...or whatever we had...I am so sorry,"

"I want you," the words were such a relief to my broken heart. The fact that he wants me or the fact that he feel pity about a broken girl.

He wants me.

I want him.

He turned back towards me. I wanted him to say those three words back. I just wanted to hear it from someone who means it. I know he does. I know he want me. Does he love me back?

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