Can't you see it? She's not alright

Breath with me

"Deep breaths" i tell myself as I let out a gust of air.
I take a breath and count again "1...2...3...4" when I'm done I let it out. I keep doing this until all those dreaded 'butterflies' are gone.  Today I will be going to a new school, I hate moving to new schools. It only adds more to worry about. And right now I'm trying to calm myself before i have another anxiety attack.
"Jules Montgomery has anxiety"
I laugh quietly to myself. "People are so quick to dismiss the signs" no one really knew how bad my anxiety was, which made it easier and harder to be around everyone. It made it easier because I never really got asked questions, and people didn't bother me about it if I was able to control it in some way. But it made it harder when I would have trouble with doing something that I knew would set off a chain reaction to an attack.
"Nock nock" I hear from the outside of my door. I walked over and opened it
" Mama, you do know you're supposed to JUST nock right? Not actually say it" I couldn't help but smile at my mother. She smiled back
" well it's not hurting anyone, is it?"
"no, I suppose not"
"Are you ready for your new day at school? New friends, new teachers, new hallways for you to get lost in."
Well here comes the butterflies again. Although I guess we could say spiders. Because these are anything but lovely feelings.
"Jeez, thanks mama. You really know how to calm me down."
"Jules, you're going to be fine."
Easy for you to say.
"Oh and I got you a donut" she said as she handed it to me. A chocolate glazed donut with sprinkles, my favorite.
"Thanks mama, and would you mind boiling the water for me. I didn't have my tea yet and I have to check to make sure I have everything." She nodded and walked to the kitchen.
Anyone who knew I drank tea instead of coffee, would probably think I'm British or something. But I'm not, I'm an American girl who needs tea to calm down. I frankly don't know why I drink it. It has caffeine so it's not exactly "calming" me down. But it feels like home in a way.
I check, again, to make sure I have all of my stuff. It would be so embarrassing to not have everything I need.
Notebooks-check
Folders-check
Binder-check
Pencils- check
Loose paper-check
Stress ball-check
Money-check
Phone-check
Earbuds-check
Favorite lipgloss- Che... where is it??? I looked around until I found it in the most obvious place. My vanity draw. So check.
Sketch book-check
I do hope that's all I need. I hear the screaming of the tea kettle so I head to the kitchen. The abrupt noise of the screaming kettle is both unsettling and calming. When I got to the kitchen, my 9 year old brother, jack, is playing some game on his iPod. He hasn't even touched his strawberry sprinkle donut, which is odd considering it's his favorite thing in the whole world. Well, besides his stuffed elephant that he's had since he was a baby.
"Jack? What's the matter?"
He looked up as if he just noticed I was here. He probably did.
" what?" He looked confused so I asked again.
" I said what's the matter."
" This zombie just won't die" "no matter how many times I rip off his head or shoot him, he just won't die!" Ew, who actually thinks these games are cool to play at breakfast?
" well, are you gonna eat your donut?" He actually looked at the donut like it magically appeared infront of him.
"I HAVE A DONUT?!" I swear this kid could get an award for most oblivious child in the entire eastern U.S.
"It would seem that way, now wouldn't it?" He gave me an extremely childlike scowl. He couldn't even keep the scowl up, he started laughing half way through the first 6 seconds.
I added my milk and sugar to my tea and went back to my room to grab my stuff. I heard an extremely happy cheer. Jack must've killed the damn zombie. I love my tea so much. I took my last gulp of tea just in time to hear my mother yell at us both to hurry up. I grab my bag and sweater then head to the living room. When I get there my mamas not even done. Why do parents do this? They yell at us to be ready but their not even close to being done!
5 minutes later I'm following mama and Jack into the car. We drop off jack to his new school first since his classes start earlier then me. We met his teacher, she seemed nice enough.
Then it was time for me to go to my new school. When we got to the school my hands were sweating and my chest was hurting.
"1...2...3...4" I whisper to myself as I do my breathing rituals again. I can't have an attack right here. Not right now. How embarrassing would that be? The new girl with orange hair and blue eyes having an anxiety attack in the parking lot before even stepping onto the concrete. Being 16 is hard enough but starting your first day of a new highschool off with letting everyone know how sick you are. That could only lead to attention. And attention is the last thing I want right now. But of course it's inevitable.
I open the car door and plant my first foot onto the ground. Then the second. People are already staring and whispering. I suddenly felt very self conscious. A grey tank top with a black jacket, light blue skinny jeans and black high top converse was okay for the first day, right? I had my hair down today with a small braid pinning back the front of the right side of my hair. I squeeze my stress ball before fumbling it into my small pocket on my backpack
Smooth, Jules, very smooth.
I walked to the door without my mother. She had to get to work. So it's just me, walking alone infront of a bunch of strangers who are watching me like I'm the newest and strangest thing they've ever seen. A boy, probably a freshman, holds the door for me. I thank him very quietly before hurrying to the front office.
As I open the door I get blasted with air conditioning. Jeez, it's New England on a cloudy day in the beginning of spring. Is that much air conditioning really necessary?
" sorry Hun, the air conditioning is broken. So it only works on high. And without it, it's hotter then hell in here" The secretary obviously saw my shivering. I offer her a timid smile. She returns a broad one. I feel a little more at ease now.
" I... I'm Julie Montgomery. But people call me Jules."
" miss Montgomery? Okay let me just find your schedule in my messy pile of 'whatever just happens to be in this pile'." She hands me a sky blue paper and sees my hand shaking when I take the paper. Her eyes soften and she smiles.
" you'll be fine"
I smile as I head out the door. This is going to be interesting.