It had been days since we'd returned from the trip - it had been a long few days. I'd barely left my bedroom since returning. Mum had told me that the Traynor's had stopped at our house.
'Told them you weren't home,' she told me as she stroked my hair. 'You don't need to be around them right now.'
I didn't bother to return the visit to find out the news on the passing of Will.
"You should go up there," Treena prompted me as we stared at the Granta House on a walk with Thomas. "I'll wait here for you."
I felt hollow, drained and tired. "What's the point?" I murmured to my sister who wrapped an arm around me.
I had cried for days after returning home. Days spent in my room, bawling into my pillow until my chest hurt from sobbing. I sobbed until my lips blistered, nose peeled and eyes that were red enough to make my mother call the doctor. I was not simply crying over a broken heart, I was mourning. I was mourning the man I loved who was going to die. Who was dead. I'd accepted it.
"You should go."
"Why Treena? To see where he spent his last days? To remember that I abandoned him when he wanted me there with him? To be reminded that despite telling him I loved him, he killed himself? You know what he said Treen. He said I wasn't enough."
Treena was silent for a moment, watching her son play and mess around on the ground. "I think it'd do you good, Lou."
I'm not sure what I expected when I started walking towards the house. To be honest, I'm not even sure when I became consciously aware I was walking towards the house. But somehow I ended up at the door to the annexe and without even thinking about it, opened the door as I had hundreds of times before. I almost found myself calling out "I'm home" as I had when I lived in the spare room.
I followed the corridor to the living room and practically fell over when I saw that Will was sitting in his chair, staring out the window as he had all those times before. I scrutinised him from my position by the door, noticed the deep set bags beneath his eyes and the pastiness of his complexion. Was he sick? And why was he by himself? I looked around for Nathan or a Traynor but the annexe was empty, leaving Will by himself.
I knocked on the door slowly, hesitantly, and far too quickly Will turned around to face me. His lifeless face brightened, I thought, but I may have been trying to make myself feel better.
"Clark," he breathed my name. "It's you..." I wanted to leave, almost as quickly as I had come.
I didn't let my expression give me away, didn't let the fluttering of my heart become apparent or how not going to move the hair from his eyes may have actually been killing me. I moved into the familiar room and realised with a start, that boxes sat in the corner. They'd been packing up and the body wasn't even cold yet.
"You look..." Will stared at me with an intensity I had missed. "Absolutely terrible." He laughed. I noticed the unfamiliar lines on his face from sleepless, perhaps painful nights. I felt myself wondering if Nathan was slacking as the doom day drew near. I felt my eyes moisten.
"You look pretty terrible too," I answered, my voice hoarse, the lump in my throat threatening to make my voice crack.
"I have... I'm so... And you..." Will stuttered on his words for perhaps the first time since I had met him. "I've missed you terribly Clark."
I hesitated, trying to read those tired blue eyes of his. His voice was apologetic and gentle, unlike our sarcastic conversations that I had loved for so long. I decided against saying I'd missed him, not allowing myself to believe I hadn't been anything other than okay without him.
"Why are you alone?"
Will looked disappointed for a moment before slowly lifting his gaze again. "Nathan comes for meals and when I need him."
I wanted to smirk but Will's expression looked so hideously sad that I felt myself beginning to reach for his hand, just a metre or so away from me. I stopped myself and watched Will's eyes follow my hand as it dropped to my side.
I felt guilty, for robbing Will of a carer. But I suppose he had no need for a suicide watcher anymore with his date just... I frowned to myself, unsure of the date. I hadn't really paid attention since I'd had my meltdown. I supposed it must be a couple of days away if he was still here.
"Sorry," I murmured, not sure if I was apologising for Nathan or my presence missing from his life in his last few days.
"It's been hell around here," he laughed half heartedly. "Left to my own devices. Almost got to the point of calling you."
"You could have."
His face softened and I saw his fingers reach for me slightly. "I thought I'd seen you for the last time Clark."
I finally gave into the need and took his hand, threading my fingers through his with a familiar bitter-sweetness. Will met my eyes, his face pulled in unfamiliar lines of uncertainty and sadness. I had never seen Will without the lack of confidence he always had, the sense of entitlement. Now he was just... just Will.
"Come back," I heard him murmur and without giving permission to, I hiccuped a little as I began to cry. I realised this too late and started to pull away to hide my face. Will's gentle grip tightened what it could and he tugged a little, trying to pull me to him. I obeyed without a second thought, sitting on his lap as sobs began to escape. I lay my head in the crook of his neck, smelling in the sweet aroma that was Will Traynor. I looked up with a start to see tears leaking from his eyes too. I moved to wipe them, letting my hands rest on his face a little longer. I was going to miss this face. The set of his jawline, the gentle layer of freckles, the blue of his eyes.
We were so close, a breath away from our lips touching. I practically jumped off Will's lap.
"I need to go. I shouldn't have come, I-I'm sorry..."
"Clark."
"No, really Will, I can't do this to myself or to you-"
"Lou, do you know the date?"
"You get the luxury of forgetting about me but I have to live with you in my memory forever and I can't-"
"Louisa, I'm still here."
My head shot up. "What?"
"I cancelled my appointment Clark," he spoke slowly, his lips spreading into an uncertain smile. "I'm not going."
I felt my jaw drop and my knees give way. My hands were shaking and my lip trembling but I kept staring at him. "I- I- I. You- you're not going?"
"I'm not going. Will you stop being so dramatic and stand up?" Old Will was back in his chastising manner. I practically bolted to his side and threw my arms around his shoulders. He laughed into my shoulder, an unfamiliar delight that made me cry.
"I love you," I murmured in his ear as his laughter quietened. I pulled away to see his expression and he smiled slowly.
"I love you too." And somehow the situation had become a puzzle that I had abandoned because I couldn't find the missing piece and yet here I was with my finished puzzle. He was here - alive and he loved me. I wanted to sob in happiness but as for right now, I settled for kissing him and pulling myself to him as he kissed me back.
