"How are you feeling today Isabelle?" Her annoyingly, slow, soft voice spoke, once I took a seat on the large comfortable couch.
"Fine. I feel fine; maybe I feel better than usual. Yeah, better than usual." I reply closing my eyes trying to forget I'm talking to a stranger about my feelings.
"And... why is that?" She spoke, but it seems like her words take ages to come out.
"Well ever since Kaitlin moved away for her job, life has been a little easier. I feel horrible saying this, but I don't have to worry about her and her needs. I can just take care of myself." I sigh. I don't like making eye contact with Ms. Baker because I feel as though she is judging me.
She's a very nice old lady don't get me wrong, but she looks at me with sad eyes and feels sorry for me and it feels like she judges me. To make matters worse she talks way too slow and too low as if she's talking to a baby. I think it's how all therapists talk so they can soothe their patients, to make them feel safe. But to me it's extremely annoying, I'm 20 I don't need to be talked to like I'm a baby.
"She is your little sister. She put a lot of pressure on you. You wanted to be her role model" I nod "you wanted to provide for her, to make her feel safe. You are a great sister Belle and the way you feel is completely okay." I start to shake my head.
"She doesn't think so. You know what she told me before she left?" The little old lady looked at me with sad eyes like she always does. "She told me what a horrible sister I have been. How unfair I am. How I can't do anything right."
She sighs while I cry into my hands.
"Belle she's 17. She's going through that phase in life. She loves you and I can guarantee she's thankful you were there when no one else was." I nod and wipe my eyes.
"I know but it still hurts."
She gets up and grabs a box of tissues then hands them to me.
"Why exactly did she move out of your parents house? You never did tell me." I took a deep breath.
"She has a girlfriend. My parents are not supportive of it." Ms. Baker nodded looking away from me. "I don't see what's wrong with it. Love is love right? Does it really matter with who?"
"No Belle, you're right. It does not matter who or what she loves. It matters whether she is happy. Is she happy?"
I smile thinking about the good times with the two of them.
"Yeah she is so happy with her."
"That's all that matters." I looked over at the clock.
"Oh no. I have to go. I have to meet up with someone." She smiles brightly at me.
"Okay well I'll see you Thursday, same time. Have a great night Belle." I grab my bag and walk out the door.
It feels as though I'm going in circles. This is one big cycle. I want something new. I NEED something new. I won't feel this way my whole life right? I have to change. I have to get better.
Kaitlin will come around. She has too. I'm her family.
