Conversations

04. walls

I love being alone. I love eating alone. Listening to music alone. Going out alone. Reading books alone. Watching movies alone. I liked it just because the mere silence makes me feel so safe. Not until I met him.

I love being alone but I don't fancy being alone..

-

I have lived my life creating walls around me. Why? Because I'm afraid to get hurt....again.

Just when I thought everyone and everything around me has fallen into it's proper place, I thought that moment is what I've been waiting for my whole life. But not, actually. I've been trying my very best to go through one day and another to survive without even hurting. But I was wrong. Everyday I struggle not to think about what happened on the past, how many 'what if' and 'could've beens' I wasted, how many times I cried at night, how many times I pushed people away just because I was so afraid they might hurt me and break me, how every step I make makes my heart so heavy I can't breathe and walk properly, how many seconds, days and months I've counted checking if I was feeling a little better but only I knew the pain was just getting deeper.

How can you forget someone whom you gave all your life and time just to be with them and you end up still being hurt and broken? How can you tell me there is someone out there for you? How can fate tells us that it is the right time when the truth is fate was just doing tricks on us? How can you forget someone who gave you so much to remember that there was no time you don't think of it? How can you tell me that as time goes by I will feel better when the truth is it's just getting more excruciating?

It hurts. It fucking hurts to know that I let someone get in my life that I didn't even saw 'that' coming. It hurts that everything I do, I remember you. It hurts to know that as time goes by I am being so far from you. It hurts knowing it will not get better. It hurts so much I can even find the right word to tell how I've been hurting because it was more than that. It was more than the pain and the suffering. It was more than that, that I don't even know how to explain it anymore.

And these walls are just a reminder for me that I should not let someone in on my life. No, not again.

As months pass by, I get used to it. The pain, the hatred, the anger and the mere fact that I was alone and the silence was my only friend left. I enjoyed the silence engulfing me, really. I enjoyed how the wind, the footsteps of people, the water flowing, the birds chirping, the leaves falling and the clock ticking was more loud that the usual cacophony of the things around me. I'm loving it.

But...

Whenever I see a mother with her daughter or a father with his son, a couple doing cheesy things, two girls laughing over a joke, childrens playing, teachers talking and the people around me with acquaintances makes me realize that I have no one and it's sad to know that whenever someone tries to be friend with me I push them away or simply shut them down because I don't want these walls to fall down again.

BECAUSE I'M AFRAID. I'm afraid someone might break the walls and break me into millions of piec--

"Hey." I am snapped out of my reverie when someone approach me.

"If you don't mind, can I seat with you?" the boy said. He's kind of familiar.

"Uhm, no. Sorry." I pushed them away again. I sighed.

"I thought you want me here because you've been staring at me for the past..." He look at his wristwatch to check it. "twenty minutes already and maybe, just maybe you want me here. I mean- to be sitting right here with you and talk about things?" and a small smile made it's way to his lips.

"Stop being assuming. I was just daydreaming and sorry, I'm not staring at you. You can now leave." I sternly said. Not even looking at him.

"Oh. But if you don't want me here it's okay, I'll still sit anyway." I looked at him and then he sat on the chair opposite to me and sips his coffee. I didn't notice he was holding one.

"Stand up or else-"

" Or else what?" he stopped me.

"Or else I will call a police." I raised my eyebrow on him as if I'm warning him.

He just looks at me like his trying to find something. I don't want him to see me right past through me and I don't want him to see the emotions I'm hiding so I looked away.

"Okay, if you're not going to leave, then I'll leave." I was about to stand up when he stopped me on my tracks.

"I know you're not my business to mind but I want to help you." he said with a concerned voice.

"Look, I don't even know you and I don't need any help. Nothings wrong with me, really. If you think I'm not fine, you're wrong. I'm more than fine." I gave him a blank expression.

"I've been following you around school. It sounds creepy, yeah. But I don't know why and where I find the urge to help you. You've been pushing away people like you don't mind if they might get hurt to what you said, you don't even have friends and you're always alone. Maybe I'm wrong with this theory but I know you're hurting and you're just wearing a mask every single day and you're just trying your best to guard yourself. There's nothing wrong with that but you don't have to live your whole life being like that. I know you're just afraid and I really want to help you." His brown eyes was pleading and full of concern.

He's right. I'm afraid. But this is for the sake of me and everyone around me. I don't want to allow the pain to linger on my body again and don't want them to feel it too. I'm doing this favor for myself. It's okay if I'm not happy as long as I don't get scars from people who hurt me. But there's this side of me that wants to accept his help, that I want to be friend with him because there is something in him that makes me want to face the truth and get over with this already.

I sighed. My head is aching from these thoughts. Ugh, I need a break from life.

"How'd you know?" I asked.

"I just know. I can see it in your eyes. The fear, the loneliness, the longing and.... your fear of oblivion." He said with a sad smile. "I'm here to help. I don't promise that I will not hurt you through the process of healing but that's part of life. Hurting. You just gotta accept the fact. I know you have too many trust issues but it's okay, we all have that. Many of us were just too afraid to fight. And after helping you, I promise I will stop pestering and stalking you." He added. He was waiting for my answers.

I looked down, I need time to think because... what if he's going to hurt me just like what others did? What if after this I'm back on the square one again? What if I won't be able to fight? What if he'll just make my heart broken? What if?

"Hey." he held my hand. "Look, I know you're afraid as fuck but me too. I'm afraid of what will my help turn out to you. But you need to fight and I swear I'll be there for you. I know I'm creeping you out because I'm a mere stranger that suddenly pops out of nowhere and you don't even know my name. But you can trust me on this, we're gonna pick up the pieces of your brokenheart and after this you're going to be very strong and you're gonna find what you've been looking for, and I swear you'll find yourself too." He let go of my hand and smiled at me. His smile was the most genuine and encouraging smile I've ever seen.

He's really right. He has a point. I need to help myself... I need to mend my heart. I'm going to take the risk. I need it more than anything. I sighed.

"Okay. I think I'll agree with you on this."

"So, it's a deal then." He offer his hand to me as a sign of really agreeing with him and without thinking, I held it.

He smiled at me. I smiled too.

And I swear after I held his hand, I know my life will change and will never be the same anymore. But it's okay, I know it will be more than better because he's with me and he's going to help me. From this day on, I'm going to take the risk and I will not be afraid again.

I can do this. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to love and be loved again. But first, I'll start with myself.