Conversations

05. fathers day special

I may not be the sweetest and kind daughter my parents would want. I'm the stubborn kid that doesn't want to clean the house and wash the dishes everyday, I tell lies they thought was true, I cuss sometimes and they thought I was an angel that didn't even say shit the whole time. But still, they took care of me and didn't leave my side no matter what. When I was one I don't know what's happening around me (being a kid I was) so I don't mind them, but as I grow, I get used to not seeing my father because he's been working abroad since I was two years old. I think it's normal, so again, I didn't mind it. We're not close, whenever he's having a two weeks vacation here I'm not talking to him because I'm not used to him being sweet with his kids and I thought it was okay with him. Until time pass, I became a teenager. Being a teenager is challenging (as we all know), I've learned and discovered new things around me without my father guiding me. I've been living my life with the guide of my mother only and I thought that was okay, that everything is okay and that I was okay. But I learned that things doesn't work out the way we want it to be. I thought it's okay because he's working for us and it's the only thing he can gave us. But no, it was not okay for me and I discovered that I've been finding love and comfort in his arms and I can't find it because we're miles apart. Then again, I thought everything will be okay, but not. I think when I was fifteen I discovered that he was cheating on my mother, I was so livid, and I'd been ballistic too because my mother kept it as a secret to me. She's been keeping it to me for some time and I was angry. I've seen her shed a tear sometimes and she will just say that her hear is aching so bad and everytime I look at my mother she's always sad and out of life. I asked her if she was okay and she said she's fine, but I know something is wrong and that's when I discover we have a problem. I became angry so angry.

My mom saw me scrolling through her phone and crying and that's when I knew she caught me, but I don't care. I just cried in front of her like it will be the last time I'll cry. She embraced me and we cried our hearts out. Then my father went home, after that two years of being away. I played safe. But little did he know that I knew everything. We've been okay for that two weeks of his stay. And after that my mom decided not to talk to him anymore and thats the time I've build up walls too. I only chat or text him when we're running out of money. And I thought it was okay because he'd been so bad to us so I think the best way is to just stay like that. Then two years have passed and I've grown okay with the fact that he's not coming back and I will never have a complete and happy family I've ever wished for since I was a kid. And I was okay, I forgot what happened, throw it to the fathest place, I've burried it so deep I didn't thought I carried myself with it. I became the girl I didn't thought I'll be. I get easily angry, that's when I learn how to cuss and lie. And it feels good for me because I think that was the easiest thing to do. I stopped going to church and I also stopped praying because I think God will never answer my prayers. I still cry at night but when I'm in front of everyone and in front of my mother I played safe too. I act like there's nothing wrong, that I've forgotten our problem but they were wrong. I always cried myself to sleep until I can't breathe anymore, until I got tired. I can't take the pain any longer that's why I ask God, I went back to Him, I prayed again and wished for something. Then I was eighteen back when he went home, again. We didn't know he's going home. I was so surprised and nervous and angry. All those emotions I've burried slowly resurface, I tried my best to be still. He act like nothing happened and I act the same. He gave me things I need but never the love I wished. God heard my prayers and He grant it. My father told us the things I've been wanting to hear for the past few years. But I didn't mind it because I'm still angry. He admitted he's fault and told us he was sorry. That he just want us to gave him the love he deserve because that's the only thing he'd been wishing for the whole time. All he want was attention and we didn't gave it to him because we think that was okay, that's why he found the attention he's been begging for, to someone, not my mom. It takes time for me to accept it all. We tried our best to reached out for him, again. And he tried too. When he went back abroad we talked like there's nothing happened, we tried. But there was still a gab between everyone of us that will never be filled because we've been a mess and we've been hurt so much and it takes time to make ourselves whole again. But that's okay, we're in the process. We're still talking now, but I think the closeness we had before will never be back. My parents still fight but I've been used to it because maybe they will never be the same anymore. We will never be the same anymore. And our family, maybe, it will not be the happy one. We're still picking up the pieces of our brokenhearts and shattered dreams but that's okay. It's hard, really really hard but atleast we forgave each other, maybe not whole, but we will learn how to as time pass by.

And the only message I want my father to hear is that, even though I've been a bad daughter when I discovered that, I will still be your daughter, maybe I don't say 'I love you' to you but I do. I'm still not yet ready to say those three words because of trust issues, but I do. I love you with all my heart even though I'm still longing for your love and care. You may not be with us now, (you may be working at this time) we may not have the perfect father, we may not have someone to help us carry a sack of rice or help me with codes or help my mother to fix the antenna to make our television clear or we may not have someone to help us carry loads of things everyday but you'll always be the father who gave us what we need. You've always been the understanding one, in spite of not giving you the attention you've been craving for your whole life, you chose to understand us and I am more than thankful for that. You make mistakes and that's okay, we have mistakes too but as long as at the end of the day we'll be sorry for it. We're only human and we should forgive one another and I'm here to tell you that I forgave you. I really do. Maybe I still get mad or think about things but that's still part of the process. I also just want to say I am really thankful for you, because without your sperm cell (look who's trying to be funny) I'll never be here on Earth talking about this. Thank you. And I'm very sorry for the moments I've turned you down, I'm sorry because when I told you we don't have money you're rushing yourself to the hospital because you're badly sick and I'm sorry I'm not there to take care of you, I'm really sorry for all the things I've done wrong to you. I'm really, really, really sorry. I love you, Pa.

P.S. You may never be able to find this letter but don't worry, I'll send you this when the right time permits. I promise.

With love, always, zharina.