Little Redhead (#OnceUponNow)

last quarter

"I did something horrible today. I did something so bad, even the usual lovesick feeling cannot mask it. Guilt can hurt."

- Charlotte's Journal

September 7, 2016

~*~

 Zev decides we should go to a convenience store a few blocks away. He tells me we can get snacks, and hair dye for me. When I let out a nervous protest, he throws one arm around my shoulders and says, "You don't have to do it if you don't want. We'll get it just in case. Like I said, I think you'll look great with black hair."

"But I...I don't have cash on me," I attempt weakly.

At this, he winks. "You don't have to worry about money when you're with me."

It isn't until later that I realize Zev didn't mean what I thought he meant.

The convenience store is tiny and slow with business. A tired older man leans against the counter before the register. Zev leads me towards the back of the store, still grinning loosely with one arm looped around my waist.

He stops before the rack of bagged potato chips, reaching into his pocket. Zev drops two dirtied quarters into the palm of my hand, saying, "Go on up to the front and buy a candy bar or something. I'll get this stuff."

In the moment, I think nothing of it. I leave Zev as he plucks a few chip bags off the rack, wandering back down the aisle toward the front counter. I give the old man a small smile and choose some off-brand toffee bar. I can hear Zev in the back – probably getting the hair dye – but the man is busy counting the change.

Zev returns to the front just as the cashier is handing me a receipt, along with a nickel and a couple pennies. I glance at Zev as I accept the change, my expression twisting into one of confusion when I see his hands are empty.

"Changed my mind," he tells me smoothly, already starting for the double glass doors. "I didn't find anything I wanted."

"Okay," I say, cautiously. Wasn't he dead-set on buying snacks just five minutes ago?

But the old man leans over the counter and asks, rather politely, "If you don't mind, I'd like to check your bag there. Sorry. It's policy."

I nearly forgot about the black drawstring bag swinging against Zev's side. I stand between the counter and the doors, holding the change and candy bar, as everything unfolds around me.

"Can't, we're running late." Zev's back is pressed against the door, ready to open it, as he nods to me. "Let's go, babe."

The word doesn't send my heart fluttering as it did earlier. Instead, a cold knot has formed in my gut – though I don't understand why. The older man repeats his request, his tone a little more stern.

"Hell no," Zev spits, so fiercely that I jump. His tone is so nasty that I hardly recognize it.

Before I can react, Zev is reaching outward and tugging on my arm. He pulls me toward the doors just as the cashier is rounding the counter out into the open. Zev pulls me through the exit and yells, "Run!", and suddenly my feet are pounding against the pavement outside as I race blindly after him.

I hear the old man yelling something indecipherable after us, but there's a pounding in my ears so loud that I scarcely react. We're sprinting down the sidewalk, passing block after block, running through red-lighted crosswalks with orange WAIT signs blinking at us. We run until my lungs feel ready to burst, until I remember why I'm running, until I drag at Zev's arm and force him to stop.

When we finally come to a halt, I'm bent double outside of a dimly lit clothing store. My cheeks are flushed crimson and each breath is dragged out of me, like my lungs cannot hold any ounce of oxygen. When I manage to straighten, I realize Zev is grinning.

He's looting through the black drawstring, and I can hear the crinkling of potato chip bags over the pounding in my ears. Zev's eyes are wild as he removes a bag of orange Doritos, telling me, "You were incredible, Braith – "

"What the hell was that?" I snap, anger pushing the words past my lips in a hot rush of air. "What were you thinking?"

Half of Zev's lips still wear a grin, and I'm so full of shock and anger and guilt that I want to reach up and tear the smile away. He sounds surprised as he asks, "Why are you so mad? I got us snacks. Look, I even got your dye." Zev pulls out the box of hair coloring. "We can go do it now! The night's still young."

My stomach is curling in on itself and I want to be sick. My cheeks are flaming hot, and the old man's furious yells are still echoing in my ears – the desire to go back and apologize battles with the boiling fear of getting in trouble.

"I don't want the stupid dye," I spit. "You just dragged me into stealing."

"So?" Zev states, and his tone is so nonchalant I want to scream. Everything happened so quickly I can scarcely comprehend that it was real, but it did happen and I did nothing to stop it. What is wrong with me?

He sidles closer when he sees I'm on the verge of tears, one hand reaching out for me. "Come on, Braith – "

I recoil faster than I thought possible. The thought of him touching me in this moment is enough to send my fingers curling into fists. I'm furious with him but also with myself – for getting into this situation in the first place.

Zev frowns at my reaction, and in the same instant leans close as though to kiss me. Instead of accepting it, the anger flares up hot and I shove him backwards with both hands. A kiss for an apology can't fix this.

He lets out a string of nasty curses, stepping forward quickly – and in that moment, I feel afraid of him. But Zev stops just inches from me and seethes, "You wanted the hair dye, and you wanted to hang out with me. You should be thanking me. I did all that for you."

"I never asked for any of that," I reply coldly. I realize I'm still holding the candy bar, so I throw it at his feet along with the change, coins clacking across the sidewalk's concrete. "Keep your stupid candy bar. I don't want to see you again."

This happens after I spent weeks of being practically infatuated with him. I snuck out for him, I was late for classes, and I lied to my Mom for him. This time, this was too far. His thirst for danger isn't exciting to me anymore – it's terrifying.

When I turn and start away from him, Zev yells out after me, "You'll be back, Braith. You like being with me. I know you better than you know yourself."

My blood broils hot beneath my skin, and I keep walking.