Rekindling Happiness

Loren

*trigger warning*

She would've been four this year.

It would've been my seventh year of marriage this year.

It could've been the anniversary of my death. But its not. I'm still here. Still suffering.

"Loren. Let's go. We're going to be late." My mother called from my doorway. I adjusted my self on the bed to turn and look at her, wiping my eyes as I answered.

"Okay. I'll be down in a second. I just need to finish this letter." I said staring at the sheet in front of me with two words written on it.

Dear Amy,

"Mom, I don't know what to write to her." I whispered as my tears rolled down my cheeks and onto the starched paper on the bed.

"Oh honey. Its okay." She said leaning down to hug me.

"No it won't. She would've started preschool this year, and now she'll never get the chance." I sobbed. Clinging to my mother.

"Honey it's not your fault." She whispered twirling my hair on her finger.

"Yes it is. If I had been watching her closer. She wouldn't have wandered into the yard. We wouldn't have to go visit her gravesite. None of this would've happened if I wasn't a better mother." I whispered. My tears now dried and replaced with a fiery rage.

It was last summer. Amy was just now learning how to walk, she was a slow learner, and I turned to check on the pool to make sure it wasn't over filled, when I heard the screeching of tires. I turned only to see a car ten feet in front of a child. My child. I lost my world that day. My husband couldn't live with the loss and shortly after, he took off to live in Rio with a women he met at the bar. I was destroyed.

That winter I tried to take my own life. If it wasn't for the fact my mom came to visit that day and rush me to hospital, I would've died there in my bathroom. Since then I've been depressed. But now my world is suddenly brightening. Today is her fourth birthday and I'm visiting her gravesite. Something I do often.

"Let's go, honey." Said my mom gently pulling on my elbow to get me to move. I nodded and pulled myself up.

**

After the gravesite I went home and played in bed for hours and thought. Thought of registering her in kindergarten the following fall. Introducing her to new friends. It was never going to happen now. But I had to be strong for her. My little princess. My daughter. And I love her too much to do something I'll regret.

That day I let go to find something to rekindle my joy.

I let go of my daughter.

I let go of the guilt knowing it was an accident.

I let go of my pain and let it drown in a bottle of Jack.

I let myself cry.

I reached for the phone and dialed a number.

"Hello? Adoption agency. I'd like to schedule an appointment."