Phan One Shots

Not Enough

Dan

I struggle with inadequacy.

It's such a simple sentence. It doesn't sound as crippling as it actually is. It doesn't convey the right amount of emotion. It doesn't imply the right amount of self hatred that goes into it. It's not enough.

Just like me.

Phil

I knocked softly on Dan's bedroom door before peeking through. It was noon already. Usually Dan is awake by now.

"Dan?" I ask quietly, torn between not wanting to wake him and wanting him awake. It's a strange concept, I know.

I hear a groan.

Dan is laying face down on his bed, only half dressed in a pair of jeans and no shirt. I know this look. This is the look of someone who lost the will to function halfway through getting dressed. At least he managed to get his pants on this time.

"Oh, bear, what's wrong?" I resorted back to the old nickname, thinking that it might help. It always seemed to cheer him up before.

Another broken groan. I carefully made my way to his bed, wrapping my arms around his bare chest, and pulled him into an upright position. His face was streaked with tears, and he wouldn't look me directly in the eye. I pushed his fringe out of his face gingerly, wiping a few stray tears off his cheek in the process.

"I.... T-today is just not a-a good day, Ph-Phil," Dan choked out, pulling his knees to his chest.

"Tell me what's wrong?"

"I'm what's wrong, Phil! I just... I'm a lousy excuse for a person. I'm not good enough for you, I'm not strong enough, I'm not..." He ended on a sob when I pulled him against my chest.

My heart felt like it was going to squeeze the life out of itself. How could Dan— my precious Dan— think he was not good enough? How could he think that he is anything less than perfect?

"Dan, Dan, shh..." I tried to calm him, rocking us slightly. "You are good enough. You are the best person I know! You're my best friend! I love you!"

He tried to pull away from me, but I held on to him. "That's just it, though. I don't deserve your love. Look at me, Phil. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I am so goddamn selfish, I'm a horrible person—"

"Dan, you are none of those things!!" I nearly shouted at him. I pulled back to look him in the eye. He was still crying, except harder than he was before. I placed my fingers under his chin and tilted his head so he was looking at me. "You listen to me, Daniel James Howell. I will not sit here while you shout abuse at yourself. You are the bravest, kindest, and wisest person I have ever known. And nothing you say or do will ever make me think otherwise." He blinked and looked down. "No, look at me! You are beautiful, Dan. You are not fat, or ugly, or whatever else you think about yourself. You are gorgeous. I don't know what I ever did to deserve you, but I wake up every morning thinking that I am the luckiest person alive, simply because I get to hold you in my arms. I love you so much, bear."

Dan's eyes widened at me. I could see that my words were affecting him; not curing him, but I could tell that I was helping a little. And that's all I could hope for.

Dan leaned his head back on my shoulder. We stayed like that for a long time, just letting ourselves be close to each other.

Dan was playing with my fingers. Maybe it was just his way of distracting himself. "Hey, if you feel up to it, why don't you finish getting dressed and we can go eat, yeah?" I asked gently, not wanting to push him into anything.

I felt him nod a little. "Yeah," he said gently, wiping at his face one last time, even though his tears had stopped a while ago. "Lion?" He called as I stood up.

I smiled a little. "Hmm?" I turned to face him, noticing the way his shoulders still hunched on on himself, and the way his arms hung limply in his lap. I might not be able to fix him, I thought sadly, but I'll do everything I can to help him.

"Thank you." He looked down at his hands again. "Thank you for everything."

I ran my hand through his fringe gently, combing it back out of his face. "I love you, Dan," I murmured.

He smiled for the first time that morning. "I love you too."

And there it was: the most basic root of our relationship. Despite everything, we loved each other. And that was pretty special, if you ask me.