Thomas

Dreaming of Thomas

Before Thomas passed away I can only recall one dream I have with him in it. In which one of our family members had died, and it wasn't Tom, it was Jake the Dog from Adventure time... Thomas's favourite character from adventure time. In which the family cried over the dead body of Jake the dog. A few weeks later Thomas was dead.

When Thomas passed away I stopped dreaming.
Which was hard on me as my dreams were a sort of scapegoat to unrealism and I was unable to add any entires to my dream journal.
My first dream after he passed about three or four months later had Thomas in it.

In which Thomas and his sister, Lauren was running around the front yard talking about Santa Claus.

This was a strange dream. And yet it was a good one. I missed my brother like crazy, and I wanted to hold him in my arms everyday of my life. I would often search the house for my sister and ask for a hug and sometimes pretend it was Thomas. He was a twin, Lauren would be his height and age. But not his personality of his grin.

What is odd, is that I have dreamt of him several times in the past two years since he has died. What I find interesting is that in none of my dreams since he had died has he been affected by cancer. It's his old self. The skinny, red head, grinning little boy, who's growth is stunted in history.

I have not dreamt about him awhile.
And I did not document the other dreams I had with him. But after my initial dream after he died I started to have a reoccurring sort of dream.
Every now and then I would have a dream in which Thomas wasn't dead.

Let me explain.

In this dream reality, Thomas had died, but for some reason every few weeks or months he would get up and not be dead anymore. Not a zombie but Thomas. Under the condition that he would die again after a few hours and rise again in another several weeks or months.

This dream might sound weird or strange but they are one of my best dreams.

The first one I ever had in this scenario started off with my family picking fruit and chocolate in a greenhouse. And Thomas had a basket and was placing fruit inside and we were all helping him. We hugged him, and touched him and told him that we loved him.
I woke up from that dream stunned. It was the first real time since Thomas had died that I felt like he was actually there. That I saw his red hair again, that I actually felt the warmth of his skin, and his body pressed against mine and heard his voice for what his voice was.
It was amazing. It was my own universe where Tom was still with me.
A few months later I had another dream where my family did a new activity with Thomas, and we heard him and felt him and touched him and loved him. And Thomas felt physically close to me.
And I had several dreams like this. In which Thomas was a physical entity I could smell and hold in my dreams and really feel it.
Although within every dream I had like this I had this underlying knowing that Thomas was going to die again, properly for good this time and the magic keeping him waking up from death over and over again wouldn't last forever. Even in my dreams happiness ends.

Every dream I knew that this couldn't last forever. This was modern time for me. Real time in which I had a boyfriend, in which my boyfriends little sister was dead (Claire died three months after Thomas.) and yet I had the luxary of getting to see my brother over and over again. He got to see my short hair. (He died before I shaved it off.) he got to meet my boyfriend. (I met my boyfriend after both of our siblings died.) he got to watch the new episodes of The Simpsons. (His favourite TV show.)
Thomas was happy in this world.
I was happy too.

And then one day I woke up early in the morning crying.
Because I had an awful dream. Back in the reality where Thomas woke up from death, we were watching tv together. I sat next to him watching Tv and then suddenly it was time to go. My family led him to the back door and we all cried and hugged him and told him that we loved him so much. I felt his warm body in my lap and arms, and his hair in my face and his breathe on my shoulder and his laugh in my ear. And then I said goodbye. And we led him out to a grave that had appeared in my back yard.

I thought about this dream for days, I had for about four months ago. And since I have not had one dream of Thomas.
I can't come to terms yet that even in my sleeping wonderland I have to loose my brother too. That was the place in which I got to hear him  and hold him and just be so close to my little brother.

Jesus Christ I miss that boy. I miss those dreams. Those other realities where my brother can sit on my lap and laugh.

I'm not Christian.
I'm agnostic.
I don't give a fuck in religion. But that doesn't mean I'm  not spiritual.
If I could connect to someone I love I would say I do it through my dreams. I mean in reality I don't feel like I can see, feel and touch Thomas. But when I dream I can.
I really hope I have another dream like that soon.

Thomas I need to hold you in my arms. You sweet little child.