"Do you ever wonder what it would feel like to fall?" She finally asks, breaking the silence. The sun has almost fully risen by now, and it's probably around 7 am now. I sit and think long and hard about her quesion, feeling the sun beat down on my face.
"Falling is probably one of the scariest things in the world, and it's not even the actual falling that scares me. It's that feeling you get right before you fall, thats theworst part for me. Right before you fall, you can still stop yourself, but sometimes you don't want to. You're not sure that you want to hold back. Sometiems the scariest thing is that, more than anything, you wish that you can spread your arms like wings and fly. When I was three years old my sister convinced me I was Superman, and that I could fly, so I jumped off a table in a resturaunt, fell, and broke my arm. I don't think I'll ever fly, no matter how much I wish I could." There's a noticable nervousness in my tone and I rush my words but she looks at me and listens when I talk.
She looks down and then asks me, "Are you scared?"
"More than you can imagine." I say, looking up at the sky.
It's really a beautiful morning, and we're so far up that we can hardly hear all the traffic below. we just lie there, eyes closed, There's a cool breeze and for a second it feels like it did in the fall back home. I dont theink they really get seasons here. They say it gets into the 50's in winter though, and everyone gets all bitchy. I think I'll be alright.
"You okay?" I finally ask, in attempt to break the silence again. She keeps her eyes closed and I see a small tear form at the corner of hre eye. I squeeze her hand a little, since our fingers are still laced in each other, even if our palms have gotten all sweaty.she opens them and forces a smile and a half hearted laugh before responding.
"I just haven't been here in a long time, thats all." Her eyes flutter and she slowly stands up and lets go of my hand, making her way toward the stairs. I follow behind her slowly, taking the steps cautiously. she stops at the seventh floor, and goes into one of the apartments. This one is just like the others, books still decorating bookshelves, magazines left out on the counter. There's one room, its small, like a little kids room. I'm guessing it was a boy's based on the toys and Buzz Lightyear bedsheets. I only look in for a minute before glancing over into the main room, where Tenshi is, sitting indian style on the carpet. She's sitting outside the window on the fire escape, and she's crying. I walk out and sit beside her, grabbing her hand in mine. She cries harder and buries her face into my shoulder.
I let her cry as long as she needs to, wrapping my arm around her shoulders, holding her while she cries. After awhile she stops screaming so much, and a while after that she was reduced to a soft, slow wimpering. I usually hate situations like this. I stay quiet, and ask her what wrong. She doesnt answer the first few times, So I just tell her it's okay, that I'm here for her, and that I'm not going anywhere. I just met this girl, and here I am, tresspassing in an abandoned building, just so I could be here to hold her while she cried.
And then I understood. She chose me. When she wanted to talk, she would. She chose me.
It isn't much longer before she's finally able to form the words she's been trying to say this whole time.
"It's all my fault" She says. Tears still roll down her face, but she's got a different look now. She's lost that little intanglible spark that made me believe that she was so alive. I don't think I knew what it was like to someone so completely broken. And once she starts her story, I understand why.
"It's all my fault" She says again. "My big brother is dead, and it's all my fault." she falters for a moment, almost unnoticibly, but I do. "I was three years old that day. My family lived here since I was born. My big brother, he was seven. We had gotten into some kind of stupid kid fight, and he went out on the fire escape. I think he was trying to run away, he was so angry at me. I was in my room when i heard the scream and thud. My mom was next door taking with the neighbors, and I guess she heard it too cause the next thing I remember is her screaming his name. I remember hearing her scream until her voice cracked and she couldn't anymore and then she just cried. I remember the loud sirens and the police coming and asking all sorts of questions. I didn't understand it, and when I finally did, all I could do was blame myself." It's surprising how calm her voice is when she's finished. I can't tell if it's because she's tired, or if it's because she's just that desensitized now.
So I stand up, and put out my hand to hers. She takes it and I help her up. her legs are a little unsteady at first, but she's holding onto my hand with a vice grip, and slowly we make our was down and out of the building. When we get back out to the street, the sun is in the midle of the sky, shining down hard. It's hotter than normal, and as we start walking I get an idea.
"Hey," I say, "How about we get some ice cream? Ice cream makes everything better, right?" I get a weak smile out of her from that. I suppose I can't ask for much more than that. Even like this, I can't help but think that she's kind of perfect. Not like she's actually perfect as in completely free of flaw, but perfect in the way where it's worth being woken up at 3:37 in the morning and dragged out of bed to participate in a felony with a girl who you've known for a week. Notably, this was far from the worst thing I'd ever done. But more on that later.
So, we make our way back towards Union Square, and each grab an ice cream sandwich from a vendor right outside the Sir Francis Drake. As an added plesant surprise, we're able to find a bench to sit at in the middle of the concrete art park, which was holding a show today. We eat mostly in silence. When we finally finish, Tenshi finally speaks.
"He's why I wear the wings." She says, "I don't want to fall. I want to fly."
