Being a Bishop at a church, it is my job to make sure my flock does not stray, and if they do, it is my job to make that correction, swiftly. I remember watching a movie titled Silver Bullet, based off of a short story by Stephen King; a catholic priest ends up killing the people who are living in sin. However, I cannot transform into a werewolf, and how am I supposed to know if someone is going to do wrong seeing as how most people do not come to me to reveal their sins. Honestly, there is only one way to know if my flock is doing what they are supposed to be doing, and that way, is Facebook.
Starting up my own Facebook page, I began to add the people of my church as my friends. I knew they wouldn’t reject my request seeing as how I am their Bishop and they are all my responsibility to God. Slowly but surely I saw all of my flock begin to fill my time line, and as I sat in my office during the week, I was blown away by the sins and unmoral lives they were all living. For the most part during the week they were the way they should be. Proper, loving and caring, but when that sinful bitch of a weekend would show itself, they would all begin to stray from me by going to clubs. Here they would drink, smoke, do drugs, take pictures and perform sexual immortalities.
The first Sunday at church during our three hour service, I informed the congregation that many of them had lived an immoral weekend and that God had been looking down upon them and shaking their fingers upon them. I informed them that they needed to clean their lives up or the almighty hammer of the Lord would come crashing down unto their lives, cutting it short at a young age, banishing them to hell without a prayer at the end. Honestly, I believed that would be the end of their immoral treasons towards God and the church, but that just wasn’t the case.
That week, they seemed to have cleaned up their act, and many even asked for forgiveness in an open prayer as they rubbed their “CTR” rings in forgiveness to the Lord almighty above. However, when the weekend showed up once again, the girls were out wearing their slutty dresses, hooker shoes as the guys continued to have sex with numerous women, and even one by the name of Brandon, had a counter on his page showing how many girls he had “hooked up” with during the weekend. He said it was an all time high as he walked into church in his Sunday best, smiling at me and shaking my hand with his dirty hand of heathenism.
I was able to get my sermon out that Sunday, but it was the last time Brandon would step inside of a church, because he had to be cleansed for his sinful nature before he was stricken down into the fiery pits of hell.
That night I was sitting at home with my loving wife and kids when I saw that Brandon checked in down the streets at the local movie theater to see, of all things, a rated R movie. It was some blood fest that no doubt had pre-marital sex and debauchery throughout. It was the last straw that broke Brigham Young’s back.
Grabbing my sharpest knife I told my wife that I would be back later that night, church business had come up, and I needed to go. Getting into my Chevrolet Suburban I drove to the theater and bought a ticket with cash. I needed to make sure there wasn’t any record of me being there that night, and that included buying a ticket to this horror bloodbath American Mary.
Walking into the dark theater I noticed there weren’t too many people in the theater, which would be perfect. I squinted my eyes to try and see where Brandon was, and that is when I saw him on the left hand side of the theater making out with some girl who I would find out later, was Sara from my congregation. She was another lost sheep that had strayed into the wolves arms that night, with his snake tongue down her gullet, slithering down and trying to steal her perfect soul from the body of sin he had now created inside of her.
When I came down and sat behind them, I made sure it was during a scene that was rather loud and part of a scare scene where the people in the audience would turn away and dig their heads into their loved ones shoulders. However, Brandon and Sara did not move from one another’s lip lock of impurity. As I slinked in behind them, I waited and waited for my moment to strike, and when a loud noise began to happen on stage, I took my knife and quickly stabbed Brandon in the throat as he grasped the wound, I removed the knife and stabbed Sara deep into her throat as well. Blood would have been spurting everywhere, but due to them holding the wounds and being in shock of the situation, I continued to stab them both repeatedly in the back of the neck until they were lifeless and fell to the right and left, as if they were watching the film together and having cuddle time as my wife called it.
As their last breath began to leave their bodies, I said a prayer that Joseph Smith would forgive them for their sins and immoral thoughts and accept them in to the loving kingdom of heaven where they could share an eternal life without pain or immorality. As I finished my prayer and kissed my “CTR, Choose The Right” ring, I casually stood up and walked out the exit door and back to my car, where I noticed I was covered in blood like Jesus had been when he sacrificed himself for the good of man kind. Like Jesus, I had cleansed them of their sins through blood, and with a smile on my face, I knew it was time to continue the path of God and what he wanted me to do. Brandon and Sara were just the beginning of what I would do for this congregation. For I am the Bishop of my church, and as the leader of my flock, I have to keep those that stray in line, and cleanse them of their wrongdoings either by prayer, or through the blood of their flesh, it is their choice, and their choice alone.
In a way this song makes sense to me now seeing as how I am like Santa Claus, so I leave you with this verse from the beautiful Christmas song “Santa Claus is coming to Town. “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town. He knows if you are sleeping, he knows if you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sakes”.
Take heed to these words, because if you do not, it won’t be Santa coming to your house, it will be your Bishop, coming to take away the gift that god gave to you, your life by spilling your sinful blood all over the pavement to cleanse your soul to make you welcome into the kingdom of heaven. Stay pure and safe my child, for your Bishop loves you and will take care of you, one way, or another.
