Breathe

Flutter of a Shadow

Warning: This chapter might be harmful to people that have suffered these events such as I. It involves cutting, depression, if these words trigger horrible memories for you, then this chapter is not one you should read.

      It had been a week since Sanjit had seen Illya or Ms. Illya, during that week questions were asked by the police. But some of the kids got bail, unfortunately. Today though, She was going to the young boys funeral. Sanjit's hands were shaking, She was pale. She couldn't breathe. Why.. Why couldn't She push out the air and suck it back in? She'd walked into the funeral, hands trembling. She could walk, but She couldn't talk. The words, stuck in her throat.

She stood on the cold grass, water seeping into her feet. She wasn't even really focused on the funeral. She kept reliving the moment in her brain. Her groans, the kicks of feet, his pleading, him whimpering. After a long while, the funeral ended. By the time it was over, the world was spinning and She couldn't focus. She had to get out of here.

Someone stopped her on the way out, She gazed into the poor woman's eyes and began to weep on her realizing it was the boys mother. The woman let it happen, soon enough the lady even accompanied her to cry over the loss.

"Forgive me, forgive me please. I tried to save him, but I was too weak. I couldn't, I'm so sorry, it should've been me," Sanjit sobbed

The lady shook her head and looked her straight in the eye.

" My dear," She said soothingly, "If it was meant to be you, it would have been you. My sons death didn't go wasted. You are alive for a reason. It is tragic but it has happened." The woman paused, biting down an upcoming sob.

The woman's pale eyes stare deeply into Sanjit's, "Do not let it go to waste." The woman whimpered
out and patted Sanjit before striding away from her. Sanjit stood in in the same place, mesmerized.

'Don't let it  go to waste.' Sanjit replayed in her mind. I'm afraid it already has.  She thought quietly and walked off the premises unnoticed. Sanjit felt cold, lonely, and beat. Worst thing about it all, was no one was even there to listen to her sorrowful cries. You know, everyone had a shoulder to lean,   cry, wipe their snotty noses on... Sanjit didn't. She was all alone, even if people said they were listening they weren't. If they were half way listening they would get crabby and say they have other things to do. She had no one to turn to.... She was lost in this world, lost in this dimension.

It was Sunday, Sanjit was tired and feeling rather hopeless. Needless to say, she was becoming one with the emotional swirl in her stomach that made  her feel like a piece of shit. That was probably what she was anyway. One big useless piece of shit that just takes up space. Why wouldn't it be true? All the kids tell her that everyday she steps out the door, to remind her:

She is worthless.

"Sanjit crawled into her bed, ready to sleep the rain away, ready to let sweet sleep envelope her and let her escape, if only just for a little while." Sanjit narrated as she crawled into her bed, wearing an over sized shirt.

Her cuts smiling at her with jagged teeth and crooked smiles. She sliced her leg once more before sleep came, wincing.Before she drifted off to sleep, she swore she saw a shadow in the corner that didn't belong to her. It was watching her, at least that is what she thought was happening. It could just be her imagination, this isn't the only time that's happened.

Maybe she really ought go to the asylum like her mother suggested. Though that is only because her Mom doesn't want to deal with her anymore. She stresses daily how she isn't the same, how she's darker and has gotten tired of it. Sanjit couldn't feel anything anymore, besides the pull of sleep, she was numb. Maybe she was crazy. No doubt she was lost, now she is questioning her sanity.

Lost as Alice...

Mad as all of Wonderland.

Mad as the hatter.

"What is the hatter with me?" She whispered as sleep pulled her into darkness.

She wants to go Wonderland.