Writings

candour note

my mother tells me to write about happy things, but she can't tell i'm terrified. i refuse to write about my happiness because i know better than to lie. what if i don't see him before he dies? i don't want the last time i see my father to be a half-assed hug and a goodbye. part of my mind feels like he's already died, and that hurts so bad, but i guess you understand. and i don't want to get so used to calling you mom that i start calling her 'grandma', because she is so much more than that to me. does that disgust you? does that anger you? i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. sometimes i want to be mad at this family but then you tell me i am this family, but thats okay, i'm mad at myself too. i think i'm an idiot. my sister does too. i wish i could go back in time and realize how much my mom meant to me because now i'm stuck here. i'm angry because i'm here. i'm depressed because i'm here. i wasn't ever this depressed every day before i came here. its like grief but its different because i know i could still be with her every minute but i chose to leave. you guys aren't doing me a favor. please send me back. sometimes i think about running away and hiding, because the only way to feel alive is to live for myself. by myself. but sometimes i want to commit suicide because i don't want to live without her. does that disgust you? does that anger you? the only time i've been more sorry was the day she drove me to the airport. and now i'm sitting here sobbing and writing a note that i wish was a suicide note but its just a candourus note. i know you've acknowledged that i'm in pain but i don't think you know how much pain i'm in. i'm not looking for reasons to be sad, i have reasons. i can't be happy for people who try to make me happy because the only people that could possibly make me truly happy right now are my parents. not the other kids parents. you tell me its time for me to be happy but i'm here because it makes you happy and it makes me sob at 430am. i don't want to enjoy life because the only way to enjoy life is to have those people in it and some phone calls where the only thing my father says to me is hello and my mom can't hug me and the bond is barely there but i'm holding on because theres the smallest possibility that i can go back. i never want to have a bond with someone again because i'll never have a bond that strong. i'll never have a bond where it feels like they're part of you because they were there with you since birth and your first memories are with them. none of my first memories are with you and you weren't there for me and i love you but i can't love you like i love them. i'm sorry.