Diary Of An Idiot (i.e. ME!!)

Chapter 1: Robert Pattinson

Chapter 1

 Dear Steve

You wouldn’t believe what I found out today! No, Taylor Lautner isn’t coming to our school and neither is Sam Clafflin. Scarlett and I are being sent to Scotland. Yup. We’re moving half way around the world. And the reason is because both our mums got a better job in the same company. Yeah, life feels like real shiz right now cuz I’m gonna miss England sooooooo much even though it’s only a few hundred miles away from Scotland. Still it’s a long distance to me- heck! I find two miles to be a very long distance and I could probably never walk that.

Ya. I’m really unfit but do I care? Why certainly not, Sargent Steve. Back to the topic of Scotland…

Oh yeah!! Scar’s going there with me!! Ooooooooooh, she’s gonna be a proper bitch about this thingamabob. Especially because of her boyfriend, Colton. I don’t see why she dates him. He’s a total ass and I swear he looks constipated all the time.

Oh, and his sideburns, there just so… LOL! I mean seriously? Are we still stuck in the 80s? One time he came to school with an afro wig and some lubricant yellow leg warmers on top of some purple leggings.

Yes, Steve, I did meant lubricant and I don’t think I have mentioned the day about my encounter with Velcro dresses and lubricant jackets. I’ll save it for next time.

Back to Mr I-think-yellow-leg warmers-are-awesome-on-guys-legs, doesn’t his getup scream 80s to anyone? Scar’s face then was just so effin hilarious!  He walked in to the middle of a maths class and sat by her and kissed her cheek. She went all red, matching her hair and literally legged it out of the room, saying that she was having ‘lady pains’ and didn’t come back to school until Colton burned his leg warmers and wig.

Anyway, we’re gonna leave next week for Scotland which is just so arghhhh!! I don’t even want to leave this place. I mean where else am I gonna find a sign for Pilates that has things written on looking like ‘cocking me’ instead of ‘coaching me’ and ‘BJ’ instead of ‘BJF’ with a very embarrassing picture of two people hold each other in a very inappropriate way.

Do you know how long it took me to get my weirdo status? HUH?!?! In Scotland, it’s gonna take forever to reach that status of where people ignore you as much as possible, even if they have to stay in the same class as Mr Writhe (paedophilic teacher) just so they don’t bump into me and Scar. Steve you should know this cuz you’ve been with ever since I found you lying on the ground opposite a sex shop. Remember how I torn those pages of those drawing that looked like sausages but they were actually something else. Okay. Now I feel really sick of just remembering how… graphic and detailed those drawings were. I’m not joking they were really- let’s just get off this topic for now and maybe forever.

Wish me luck, Steve cuz I’m gonna need it. Again, sorry for tattooing you with a pen (at least I’m not drawing graphic pictures of… things like your last owner. I wonder what your last owner called you.),

Sophia J

oOo

I snapped my diary shut and threw it on my bedside table. I blew my hair off my face and laid down on my bed. I have to Scarlett tomorrow about the Scotland thingy. As I said, she’s going to be extremely mad tomorrow. Eh, she can handle the new. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Maybe a few holes in the wall, a vase being smashed into pieces or probably if Colton’s around, someone getting kneed in their family jewels.

Colton definitely has to be there when I tell her. He needs a huge dent in his ego and kneeing him in his pride is a perfect way for that to come true.