Truth

Forever

Trigger Warning - Suicide Attempt + Self Harm Reference (No Actions Performed) :(

(SEAN'S POV)

I leave the video on a USB stick, and I put it next to the note I wrote. I have two other ten-second videos for my friends and for my family. I don't know if they'd care. My family, maybe. But.. my friends and my Markimoo, I mean.. Mark, they probably won't care. They don't live anywhere near me anyway. They haven't seen me for awhile.

But I hear a knock at my front door and I panic.

It's Mark.

"Sean??" He yells.

I've been taking my sweet time for too long! Quickly, I run and put a key to the bathroom on the table. I find a marker and write 'BATHROOM' onto the table.

Then, I run back into the bathroom, and lock the door behind me. I can hear Mark knocking on the door wildly now, yelling and screaming for me.

The pills! I need them, I need them..

I try to pop off the top. It won't budge.

Twist. Twist, Sean, twist!!

I get the cap off when I hear the front door being kicked open. Mark's still screaming. I can tell he's seen the table because there's footsteps coming to the bathroom. He's still yelling my name like a madman.

The doorknob starts to jiggle around.

I gasp. What have I been doing? I could've been done with this already!

I put about 15 pills into my mouth. Then I drink from the faucet, and swallow every single one.

Then the door flings open. Mark's standing there, stunned.

"No need." I say, almost as if I'm in a different world. The world starts to twist around. Didn't take long. Or much.

Mark comes over and stuffs his fingers into my mouth and almost down my throat. I start gagging and smack his hand out of my mouth.

That's when I throw up the pills. Every. Last. One.

I giggle. Then I laugh, and then it turns into screams. Tears.

"YOU RUINED EVERYTHING YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" I'm yelling nonsense now.

"I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DONE! GONE! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!" I hiccup and cry more. I reach again for the rest of the pills in the bottle. Mark is frozen in what looks like fear. I hate him. I hate everything about him. How could I love him? He can't talk to me for months and all of the sudden decides to stop me from killing myself. How the fuck does that work?

My vision is still somewhat fuzzy. I hear sirens outside. Mark has taken the pill bottle from me and I didn't even notice. He's yelling frantically on the phone. Everything is messed up. I start to feel myself slipping away. Not death, sadly. Just passing out. I lift my pants up to look at my scars. They've faded just the littlest bit, that it's not that noticeable. Great. Those are going to be seen, now.

I hear people rushing in.

Then I'm in a cot, and rushed outside. Mark's crying next to me in the ambulance.

Everything is a blur. Then, I'm out. Just like that. Passed out.

~

I hoped I'd never wake up, but I did. I had no dreams. Last time I saw the date it was somewhere at the end of August. Now it's the beginning of September. I didn't think it would be that long until I woke up. Then again, I didn't think I'd still be alive.

 I shift my head just a small bit. There's fluids being pumped into me on one side. The other side, it's Mark. He's watching me. I didn't notice, but he's holding my hand and I can feel tears falling into my hand.

I move my fingers a little and he looks expectantly up at my face. I close my eyes just into slits, to where I can just barely see the outline of him. He thinks I'm still asleep, so he looks down again and just rubs my hand.

He's sad.

I see fresh cuts, maybe a day or two old, on his arms. They're everywhere. I can't believe I caused him that much pain. He's the one who stopped me from dying, though.

I think it would still be the same anyway. He'd still harm himself if I died.

I'm a fuck up. I'm a dumbass. I shouldn't have tried.

It could have been done though. Then I wouldn't be able to regret anything.

But Mark saved me. I don't like it right now, but I'm sure I will later. If I died, it was okay. If I didn't, I guess it was okay too. But not really. I sort of still hoped I would pass.

I decide I want to wake up now, or act like I just have, anyway. I open my eyes and just watch Mark text on his phone as he still holds my hand. His eyes are puffy and his face is red. Then I notice that he also put on a jacket. He must not want his arms to be noticed, especially in a hospital.

Then he looks up at me.

But this time, he doesn't smile. His eyes don't light up like they did whenever he saw me. He's just looking at me like I'm a stranger. Nothing special. He jerks his hand away from me, gets up, and just walks out of the room.

Nobody else comes in, and I lay there. I cry again. But I'm quiet this time. No sobbing, nothing. Just tears falling. I feel empty. I don't understand how my body affords this many tears in so little time. I also don't understand why Mark just left.

I also am stupid enough to see that I hadn't noticed a post-it note on my hand.

It reads only four words. "I'm with you forever."