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Ch.14-Lost and Found

Understanding yourself was hard.

I was finding that out. I was pretty sure I had always known, but as I was in the middle of serious identity and life crises, it only heightened my awareness of that fact.

I didn't have the nerve to leave North Carolina. I sat in my car right at the border into Virginia, two hours from Heart, and couldn't do it. So I ran away and hid in some quaint twenty-four-hour café at three in the morning, sipping iced tea and feeling pretty disgusted with everything. Especially myself.

I had never officially run away from anywhere before. Even going to Heart I had told my parents what the deal was, regardless of whether or not they listened. But I didn't know what to do or where to go from here, or what anything meant anymore. I was confused and lost and it was driving me crazy.

I took another sip of the tea, gazing depressingly out the window at cars whizzing by. Where were they going at three in the morning? Then again, I supposed the waitress staring at me from the counter was wondering the same thing. Maybe they didn't have a destination, either. Maybe they were also lost, just searching. Maybe they didn't want to have to know where they were going.

I could relate.

It sucked to an imaginable amount knowing you weren't wanted. Therapists, teachers, friends . . . they all tried to reason it out. To make some logic of the nonsense. But the truth was, it was all bullshit. Because it shouldn't be so. Parents sign a metaphorical agreement to nurture and love their kids until they can survive on their own. I was always on my own, watching Jasmine receive double the nurturing. And maybe I was playing the "woe is me" card a bit too hard, but could you blame me? It would have been easier if it was just me, and my parents just hated me. But having a sister to be the base of that hate?

Infinitely worse.

And my grandfather. I couldn't even think about that without the threat of tears scorching my tear ducts. He had leukemia? For how long? And when did he plan on telling me so? He was the only one in my family to really give a shit about my welfare and personal being and he was dying. Of course. I should have seen that coming. Somebody was laughing their ass off at my misfortune and absolutely delighting in my life: the comedy of errors.

When did the twisted show stop? When did something finally go right?

The door jingled, and I heard a few people exchange words. I didn't concentrate too hard on what was said, choosing instead to wallow in as much self-deprecating pity as possible. It wasn't any fun.

"Lily?"

I frowned, having not expected to have somebody come up to me in some random diner at three in the morning and say my name. I glanced up and my eyebrows shot to my hairline. "Emma?" I gasped. "What the hell are you doing here?"

She was wearing jeans and a tank top, perfect for the mild summer night. Or morning, whichever it was. Her hair was down and she looked tired. "I could ask you the same thing."

I shrugged, throwing back another sip of tea. "I'm taking a leave of absence."

She quirked an eyebrow. "You're running away?"

"Leave of absence."

"So running away."

I breathed out a long sigh. "Maybe. I don't even know anymore."

She took a seat, shaking out her long chocolate-brown locks. "You're in a diner two hours out of town at three in the morning. Do not tell me you're not running away."

I swished the tea around in the glass. "Did you come alone?"

She scoffed. "Please. Does my husband look like the kind of guy to let that fly? No, your grandfather is watching Skyler and Rhys is sitting in the car."