These Four Walls

dear younger me

thinking back

to the so many versions of me

my younger selves

would they be afraid of me now

would they wonder what had happened

what would they think of the scars

on my left arm and shoulder

deep enough that the slices didn't bleed

right away but slowly filled up and spilled over

and the metal in my face

the dark purple hollows under my eyes

and the sneer on my lips

the bitten skin and the splits that
tear and sting whenever i speak

would they try to stop the shaking of my hands

wrap duct tape around my dull fingertips

so that i will at least be able to salvage some nail

and what would they think

when i told them about the time that

i bruised my knuckles against my

own skull

trying to get the voices to shut up

but all i got was a headache

and fingers that hurt when i unclenched them

would they try to massage a feeling that

wasn't pain back into my jaw

or would they stay away

because i can be scary

i guess

and my anger and depression

has become a palpable thing

but i don't mean it to be

i would peel away my walls

of barbed wire and broken promises and hearts

and i would bare it all for them

i really would

because i want to show them

that i am still here

i am still going

i still wake up every morning

and even on days when i have to force myself

to go through the motions

i still do it

for them

for my past selves

and my future selves

but without my past selves

the younger versions of me

with their clothes smelling of weed

and alcohol and so many days of dried blood

i would not have made it

and god i am so sorry i tried to destroy them

but i promise i will keep them safe now

lock them up in a box inside myself

nothing will hurt them anymore

i will be who they needed

way back when

and i will do my best

to keep on going

even though it hurts

more often than not

i will keep going

i promise i will

i will make you proud

you of the skinned knees

and untied shoes

the barefoot romps

through grassy fields

and the first time someone else made your nose bleed

i will be there

i will make you proud

i promise

and maybe when we meet again someday

you will come closer

and you will not be afraid of

what you have become