vagary

"Are you nervous?"

He can feel it. The buzz in his head, and something stuck between his heart and his guts.

His mouth has gone dry.

His fingers have a life of their own, they can't keep still.

They are a tangled mess of sweat skin and picked + chewed nails, just like he is right now. A tangled mess of heart mind and soul.

He sighs.

Then he feels a hand engulfing his own.

A comforting homely hand which reminds him of evening walks in the park.

Mother.

Right now, she sits across him in the driver's seat of the well-beaten BMW they have owned since he was a little seven-year old.

"Honey, it's going to be alright." she says, diverting her attention from the road for a split second to look him in the eye.

He mumbles something under his breath.

"Are you nervous?" she asks, well knowing what the answer is going to be.

"Yeah, I guess. A little." he says, visibly embarrassed, the tips of his ears a bright red.

His mother laughs. A warm forthcoming laugh which unknowingly puts him at ease. His fingers untangle themselves and rest on his navy-trousers clad knees.

"Chele, you don't have to hide your nervousness. It's okay. Feeling something is okay. It doesn't make you any less of a brave and strong 13-year old than you already are. And I know you are going to be just fine, alright?"

He gulps.

"Yes, maa." he says.

"Look up." she says.

As he trains his very dark brown eyes on his mother's light chestnut ones, he can feel the resolve coursing through his whole being.

"Okay?"

"Yes" he finds himself saying.

"Good, now let's going, we better not be late!" she says, stepping on the accelerator as it zooms at over 100 mph.

His mother, ever the daredevil. He smiles.

What is the fuss about, you say?

You see, it his first day at the new school in the new city which his father got transferred to.

Oh, and he is Eli by the way. Eli Dasgupta.

***

The confidence seems to have disappeared somewhere between the distance from the parking lot to the school gates.

Now, as he walks down the hallway, his class is on the extreme left corner, he is a bundle of nerves. Again.

His fingers are a tangled mess of sweat skin and more picked + more chewed nails.

Bohemian Rhapsody is playing in his mind, on repeat. Like a stuck vinyl which keeps playing the same tune, over and over again.

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide,

No escape from reality.

He wishes to slow down time, prolong the entry into the dreaded class room for as long as he can.

If only he was in his previous school right now, and today, a normal day like any other where he would be walking down the corridors with Satya, his best friend, by his side.

If only he could turn back and go back home right now.

If only.

Eli steps into the class with a buzz in his head and something stuck midway between his heart and his guts.

Again.

He walks up to the teacher's desk and waits for her to introduce him to the class, all the while his eyes fixed on the floor.

The floor is grey with specks of black. The black dots draw him in, they are giving him a headache.

But when the teacher introduces him, her loud voice booming through the room, he inevitably has to look up, to find 30 or so pairs of eager eyes staring at him.

He gulps.

But then, he sees her.

Black eyes.

Black hair.

Milk-coffee skin.

And he smiles, ever so slightly.

He finds her smiling too.

Right then, he feels it.

And, boy, he swears he has never felt anything like it before.

Like his heart is going to jump and lodge itself in his throat.

Like several versions of his 5-year old cousin are rampaging around in his stomach.

But her smile is replaced by a frown not seconds later and she looks down to resume whatever she was doing earlier.

And at that moment, Eli wants nothing more than to know her name, the ice cream flavor she likes, the song she listens to when she is sad, which side of the bed she sleeps on, what makes her laugh, how her laugh is like.

He wants nothing more than to know her.

All of her.

A/N What do you think of Eli?

You know the drill, Vote and comment, please.

Much love, Sarah.