The Shots!

Phan _What My Dreams Are Made Of_

What My Dreams Are Made Of
Fandom: YouTube
Ship: Dan Howell x Phil Lester
Warning: A truck load of angst. Plus suicide triggers. Plus there is a message I'd like to give out to everyone.
Me: IMMA GO CRY NOW-

~

It's happened again. It will keep on happening, again and again and again, till it gets too much for me to handle.

Who am I kidding, it is too much for me to handle.

They always beat me half to death then just leave me there, like a toy nobody wants to play with anymore. That's all I am. Just a toy. I'm just a ragdoll for everyone to kick around for their pleasure. To release their hatred in the world.

Then later on I go home. Ha. Home. It's not a home. A home is a place full of warmth and love, which I don't have.

What I go back to is a prison of four white walls, a place of paranoia, darkness, insanity, and abuse. It's worse than in school.
What I go back to is a drunk, demented bastard. My stepfather.

On good days he's passed out on the couch with a bottle of liquor in his hand and a cigarette in his lips, another day closer to his death, and my freedom.

That day can never come sooner.

Usually he's awake and drunk and mad. He treats me like everyone else does, with pain. The scars and bruises I get overlap, and I can't tell who did what anymore. All I know is that it hurts.

Afterwards I get to my room, beaten and bloody, then go to the bathroom and try to clean up.

I'm currently in the 'cleaning up' step.

I lay in the tub in the bathroom, blood surrounding me, mixing with the ice cold water, and the cold brings me back from my daydreaming to where I am now, the present. I pull my legs up, then rest my chin on my knees as tears fill my eyes.

What did I do to deserve this?

Oh wait, I know why. 

Because I'm not dead.

If I were dead I wouldn't feel pain, but I'm alive.

The pain reminds me that I am.

Everyone likes reminding me that I'm alive, they remind me so I won't forget. I'm not dead yet, so I have to remember that I'm alive by pain. And they're there to remind me.

Maybe I should die. They won't have to remind me then.

I'll finally escape this world of cruelty and demons.

I know what to do. I'll just go to the cliff by the river at night. To see the stars before ending it all. I won't miss anything, that's for sure.

Wait. Maybe I will.

I will miss that one, glittering piece of hope in this world.

A boy named Philip Lester.

He's that one person who sees the good side of everything, even in the worst situations. In spite of this cruel world, he thanks the fact that he has life. Despite living in an abusive household as well, and being bullied just as bad as I am, he smiles.

Hope hasn't left his heart yet.

He is also the only person in this cold planet who ever believed in me. The sole person who brought me back to life, the one who made me believe that there is still hope.

And the one person I love.

From the minute we met, he was this shining, bright light who smiled like nothing was happening, like the world wasn't beating him down and tearing him bit by bit like I was. He made me whole again.