dear you,
why isn't it getting better? why? it needs to get better. everyone says it gets better, but it's getting worse. I've tried everything. I even convinced myself I was over you at some point. I could tell myself that love doesn't exist and life is pointless. that was MY thing. I said that to myself everyday and I started to believe it. I started to believe I didn't need you, that I didn't love you and you never loved me. I believed it so why am I back here? why can't you leave me alone? the medications aren't working anymore. I feel as though I'm in a constant suffrage and breathing has become more than difficult. my thoughts have become nothing but a cluster of youyouyou and I'm drowning again. the aching, the crying, the nightmares, the yelling at myself at three in the morning in the dark listening to your playlist I made what seems like years ago. it was supposed to go away sunshine, why is it still here? maybe I could still have you if I wouldn't have ruined everything. it's my fault. you always thought it was him I wanted but no. him and I never existed. it was always you. I should have tried harder to make you believe me. I should have been better, done more. but now you're gone forever and you love her now. I would say it's unfair, how you experienced little to no pain from this while I've experienced nearly half a year of hell itself, but I can't say it's unfair. I can't say it because maybe I deserved this. maybe from the start I was destined to end up like this. I'm glad it was me who ended up with the pain and you the happiness, but I can't fathom the corruption that fills my entire existence when I hear someone merely whisper your name. you started to think I needed medical help for everything that's wrong with me and I think you're right. I thought I could do this on my own, I thought I was doing better. I thought I could get over you, but I'm back to where I was on January 27th, at around eight o'clock at night. I'm back to crying every evening and thinking of all the "what if"'s. you mean absolutely everything to me still and I hate it. i hate that you matter. I hate how gorgeous you are and how your voice itself still soothes me. I hate how she gets the smiles I used to get, and all I receive now are grimaces and glares. I hate how hard I fell for you, and all I know is that I never want to fall for a person that hard again. the way I fell for you was quite easily the most potent and everlasting emotion I feel a human being could ever possess. it was earthshattering and beautiful all at once. it was something only a select people ever encounter, and I was so young. I was so young and I am so young but I know that this feeling pitted deep within my heart and mind is the embodiment of infatuation, insanity, and agony all in one. I've come to accept that this feeling will take years to rid of, and even then it will most likely never cease to exist in my memory. but for now, all I'm really aware of is that I envy everything you are and hold, and that I never thought I could be as haunted by a boy with these breathtaking brown eyes and this coarse black hair as much as I am by you.
- me
YOU ARE READING
dear you » personal entries
Romancethis isn't meant to get many reads or to get attention, but this is for him, or well, it's about him at least. this is where my thoughts will go. this is where I can vent about a boy I was deeply in love with for nearly a year and a half and questio...
