I got out of bed and remembered it was Monday. It was also 7:50 and school started at 8:15. I rushed up to take a shower and then get dressed. After a 10 minutes I found all my schoolwork that was sprawled across the floor from the previous night. I shivered as I remember. It was my fourth panic attack that week. My parents are on a business trip and I don't have friends, so I was alone and had nothing to do except scream and cry. I was going to go to the forest but I fell asleep. I pushed those thoughts out and rushed out of the house.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
When I walked in the door my hands immediately started shaking and my chest
tightened up. This was a normal thing for me but it is still scary, because sometimes it will wait and sometimes it will pound in as soon as I get in. Like today. It's usually happens on Mondays, Wednesday, and Friday's. Those are the days I have counseling. I dread those days, I tried so hard to get my mom to take me out but she won't budge.
I walked down the hall and received the glares of everyone, the harsh glares, their eyes like bullets, each one making the voice stronger. The voice is, well it's a voice in my head, he tells me how to control my life and I'm too weak to fight him off, he feeds off of my weakness which there is plenty of and the more he gets fed the weaker I get. And I'm already very weak, very weak. I get to my locker and try to put in my combination. But I can't my hands are shaking to bad, I'm making quite a bit of noise trying to grab the lock and hold it still, I'm getting looked at and people are giving me looks of pity and disgust. The pity because I'm a mess, a total mess. I screw up everything and I'm to anxious and depressed to function. And the disgust because I'm gay. And sadly I'm at a pretty homophobic school. There used to be another openly gay kid here, Brendon. He was a good friend of mine but he had to move and I haven't talked to him since. So that makes me the only openly gay one but I'm pretty sure there's a few more. I can tell. I've always been able to tell. I predicted when Brendon's friend that didn't go here came out as gay. I can just tell by the way he would looks at Brendon. I think they were secretly dating for a while, his name was Ryan.
After about 10 tries to open my locker I just punch the locker and laugh at myself for being such a failure. My homeroom teacher comes and opens it for me so I won't be late to class and I feel so dumb.
The first class is English and I'm pretty good at that so I don't really need pay much attention. I sit where I sit everyday it the very back corner. There's a shelf that's besides that desk so it kinda closes you in from the world and relieves my stress, but today was different. I was to anxious, I was so anxious. My teacher knows about my anxiety so he watches out for me, which I'm so grateful for. I keep shaking and my head is twitching and I'm breathing so heavily. It feels like my lungs are collapsing, I can't talk so I can't ask to be excused and the teachers to caught up in his lesson. I'm breathing heavier and heavier trying to get out a normal breath but I can't. I'm getting dizzy now and I can't move and that's when the teacher notices. He runs over and shakes me trying to get me to snap out. I know he's there but that voice is talking to me and he is stronger so he'll always have control. Mr. Weekes picked me up and brought me outside. I start making these noises, like I'm trying to talk by I can't, I choke on my words and it all sounds like gibberish and I try to choke back tears but they all fall down. This is surprisingly not the worst it's been. It gets way worse. I finally snap out of it and he sent me to the nurses office, I didn't need to go but I wasn't gonna argue with going home early.
I got to the nurses office and she knows about everything with me. She asked when the last time I ate was and I couldn't answer. I don't remember the last I ate. I think it was last Friday when I had a small salad because I was with my mom and she made me eat. I told her this morning and she told me to call home so I
could sleep.
As I walk out I run into a guy he has brown hair like me. It's shaved on the sides but it's like fluffy on top. He has brown eyes, like me. But they squint together. I say sorry and he smiles causing his eyes to squint together even more. He doesn't say anything, he is shaking really bad. I ask if he's okay, I usually never would but he seems different. He shakes his head yes but then he says no. His voice is amazing it's so soft and sounds so sweet. "Here have my number we can text" he says. I say thank you and smile as I walk off.
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Hi guys
Sorry if this is short I'm doing it on my phone at practice lmao the worst time to write the first fucking chapter of a fanfic it's like 960 words but idk if that's good lmao goodbye hope you'll enjoy this trash :)
