Forward to the Past [Steggy] ✔

Chapter Nine

Peggy's POV

Present Time

"Peggy?!?"

A familiar voice makes me break away from Steve, and I ignore the grunt of disappointment that escapes from his still open mouth as I let go of him. Looking at the source of the voice, my lips part in surprise; standing a meter or so away from me, looking a bit different but definitely familiar, is James Buchanan Barnes.

"Wh- how?" I stammer, blinking in confusion. I know I shouldn't be so surprised, seeing as how Steve is still alive, but then again, Barnes fell from a train. Steve saw the whole thing. There is no possible way he could have survived.

"Sergeant Barnes?" Howard says, voicing just as much surprise in the question as I feel.

"What the hell is going on?" Bucky's eyes flash to Howard, a bit of fear and apprehension in his blue gaze. "Can someone explain to me what's happening?"

"I think there's a lot of explaining that needs to be done here," I say.

"You first," Bucky says quickly, looking nervous. "Definitely you first."

"Alright," Howard says in compliance, shrugging. "Us first. I made a time machine with the Tesseract. We came here, unbeknownst to us that either you or Steve would be here, alive. There you go. Explanation time for you."

Bucky looks over at Steve, frowning. Steve nods almost imperceptibly, but Bucky shakes his head in return, something like terror in his eyes. Steve sighs, nodding again, this nod clearly meaning "okay."

"Now isn't the time for that," Steve says, and Bucky visibly relaxes. It makes me wonder what exactly happened for Bucky to get so scared about telling us. Whatever it is, I'm not going to ask. If it terrifies someone like Bucky, who is as courageous and headstrong as they come, I'm not sure I want to know... yet.

"Alright." I'm still burning to know, but I'll hold off until later.

"Yeah, um..." Bucky looks uncomfortable, then shoves a handful of papers in Steve's direction. "This is from Sasha."

Steve takes them, but doesn't look at them at all. Instead, he blushes slightly and folds up the papers, holding them.

"Who's Sasha?" I ask curiously, desperately hoping she's a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent of some sort. Steve opens his mouth to reply, but Bucky beats him to it.

"She's Steve's girlfriend."

I'd like to say I handle this well. I don't. Mixed feelings of disappointment, grief, anger, and regret boil in the pit of my stomach, and to my utter dismay, I'm fighting back tears, and a lump has started to form in my throat. I shouldn't be so disappointed. It was only logical that Steve finds someone else to be with; it's not like I could've been with him at this point. How old would I be now? Ninety six?

"Oh," I say meekly, responding to Bucky's statement. "Well, that's good."

"She's not really my girlfriend," Steve mumbles, looking guilty. "We're just friends."

Bucky scoffs. "Read the email, Steve," he prompts him, and Steve reluctantly opens the crumpled papers and begins to read, his eyes widening as he skims through. After a minute or two of silence, he looks up at Bucky.

"Did you read this?"

"Yeah, I did." Bucky nods. "So? What do you think?"

"I... I'm not sure," Steve says, and I exchange a confused glance with Howard as we awkwardly stand in the middle of the room while Tony and Bucky seem to know exactly what's happening.

I have noticed that Tony periodically shoots Bucky rather uncomfortable, menacing glances, but I don't think it has anything to do with what's in Steve's hands. I guess that'll be an explanation for another time as well.

"Do you love her back?" Bucky presses. "I mean, look at the last paragraph. She says 'I want to be with you, I love you.' There's nothing clearer than that."

My stomach feels like it sinks to the floor. Someone else loves Steve. I fight a tidal wave of jealousy, trying to convince myself that it's fair for Steve to love someone else, and I probably shouldn't ninja kick whoever it is. As much as I would like to. I need to be calm about this.

Steve is quiet for a suspenseful moment. "I think I do love her," he murmurs at last, and Bucky grins, a maniacal grin that was not rare to see when I knew him.

"Then you should tell her," he says, elbowing Steve in the side.

"Sure," Steve says, but it doesn't seem like he's listening. Instead, he's staring over Bucky's shoulder at me, his eyebrows drawn together and his lips pulled into a deep frown. His ocean colored eyes flash with indecision, but he shakes it off after a moment, avoiding my searching gaze. "Yeah, I'll tell her tomorrow. Right away."

"Great!" Bucky smiles, clearly oblivious to Steve's former expression. To be fair, Steve was looking away from Bucky. It'd be easy to not see. "Well, I actually do need to be somewhere," Bucky says, glancing up at a clock on a nearby wall, "in twenty minutes. I'll catch up with you two as soon as I can." He smiles lightly at Howard and I, then mumbles something that sounds like "Nat won't believe it" under his breath. Steve gives him a surprised glance.

"You and Romanoff?" He exclaims.

"Yup, bye," Bucky replies, then ducks out of the room quickly. Tony looks over at Howard.

"I've got more cool inventions downstairs," he mentions, and Howard's eyes light up, as he is always excited about new technology. Both Tony and Howard leave, which means Steve and I are in the room alone.

"I'm glad you've got a girlfriend," I say after a heartbeat of silence, the lump in my throat going away a bit.

"I'm sorry, Peg," Steve says.

"What ever are you sorry for, Steve?" I say, trying and failing to keep the grief and anger out of my voice.

"Maybe I could've waited longer to find someone," Steve explains, lowering his gaze.

"Maybe...." I say. "Yes, you could have waited. Waited until something like this happened, and we'd get a chance to be together. Except we can't now, can we? Because you've gone and fallen in love and there's nothing I can do about it because when I go back, I won't be able to KNOW. I won't be able to know that the only person I ever really loved is still alive at this very moment in 1950 but I won't be able to save him because I won't know a goddamn thing about it, Steve!" I keep on yelling, pouring put all of my frustrations, watching as Steve seems to shrink back further and further. When I'm done, his eyes are wide.

"I'm so sorry, Peggy," Steve whispers, and I find that tears are streaming down my face, my anger and grief clearly overpowering my control.

"You know what?" I choke out, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that it had to be this way." With that, I walk out of the lab, with no idea where I'm going. I just need to get away from Steve, Steve and his love life, Steve and his perfect future.

I just need to escape.