Heartstrings, Dreamsongs: A Book of Poetry

Because I'm Not

The words that should be said are not,

Forgotten and broken, lying in the dust,

Left behind with regret, falling like ashes,

The leftover of beautiful times, thoughts that died.

I want to undo, I want to fix,

This mess I've made, I'm asking,

Am I strong enough?

Because I'm not beautiful,

I'm not extraordinary or special,

Because I'm not worthy, worthwhile,

Important or loved, it's clear I'm a broken piece,

Another piece of glass used and destroyed.

Because I'm not talented and I don't matter,

I'm not trustworthy, and who could even care?

I don't have the words to say what I want,

They abandoned me, left me on the stone.

I'm scared to speak a word, after all it's my problem,

And of course my mind can't be read, I can only say for it to be known,

But I don't know how, and I'm terrified,

I've done all this before and I'll cry and have cried,

There are days when honestly, all I want is to die.

Because I'm not strong or brave or true,

I'm not loyal or happy, not really,

Because I'm not sad, I don't shed tears inside,

Because I'm not able to take down the facade, the lie,

This face you see is not always mine.

Because I'm not good enough, I'm not perfect,

I know you want me to be, but I'm not perfect.

I'm hurting inside, have been for a while,

It started on that scary day, a little after the end of a time.

And when the next step started, I wanted to cry,

Come home every night, and I cried,

And inside not a soul knows, every secret little thought,

Every mistake how it kills me, every hope how it's dashed,

How I'm never good enough.

Because I'm not able to be stepped on without breaking,

Because I'm not able to stand up without being put down,

But you must realize others are hurting too.

Because every little flaw you or I notice, it kills me,

Because I'm not able to be smooth,

Because I'm not even me, not on the outside,

And I'm always broken down.

"And you'll lose that too?", "That's not true, you won't be able to",

So I'm weak, and I'm untrustworthy,

I'm forgetful and totally messed up, I'm just another piece,

Yeah, I'm nothing close to good,

I'm corrupted, look at how petty I am,

I'm going back and forth without any sense,

And I keep getting told so many contradictory, bitter things.

Because I'm not able to wait, to think,

I just need to click the send,

How can I keep this inside my whole entire life?

Because I'm not anything more than me,

I don't have anything that's just my own,

I'm only a bunch of flaws and talents already owned.

Because I'm not able to do more then take down the mask.

So I look in the mirror, wishing I could do more,

I'm living because I don't want others to hurt more,

I'm living because there's more then me out there.

I am nothing perfect, fantastic, beautiful,

I'm just a bunch of petty little scars,

Cuts and nicks and bruises that don't go that far.

Because I'm not worth it.

Because I'm not worth all the good things in my life,

When I don't know how to appreciate them.

Because I'm not worth a helping hand,

Someone who's managed to care enough to do more.

Because I'm not good enough to be perfect,

My life full of regrets, nothing more and nothing else.

Because I'm not worth all the broken words that scrape at my soul,

I'm worth more.